Problem With A Coworker Conspiracy of Silence I'm hoping you can help me with a moral problem that crops up every now and then in my personal and professional life. Sometimes I find myself being blamed for an error or lack of judgment that actually occurred on someone else's part. For example, I asked someone at work about using a certain location for a display, was given the go-ahead, then chastised for using that location. When the only way I can defend myself involves pointing the finger at someone else, I'm in a real quandary. I am rarely prepared to defend myself if it means making someone else look bad. I handle the problem by saying nothing. I simply don't know what to say. There is usually ample opportunity for the person responsible to come forward, but I find that hardly ever happens. How can I handle this type of problem without taking the low road of attacking others? What is the moral or ethical thing to do? Karla Karla, each of us has principles of behavior rattling around in our head. These principles range from the Golden Rule to Miss Manners' etiquette to the Boy Scout Creed. Often we are not sure which principle to apply. The principle you are applying here is the playground and schoolyard rule which says one shouldn't snitch to a parent or teacher. It is not an ethical rule so much as a rule children employ in play. A much more basic rule applies. That is the rule which says, in simple justice, each of us deserves to be known for the person we are. Your lack of explanations makes you look guilty. Coming forward and explaining why you acted as you did should not be a moral or ethical problem for you. It is simply a matter of fact. If you acted because Sheila told you to do it that way, or the employee handbook says to do it that way, or you have always done it that way and no one told you otherwise, you are simply reporting a fact. You should look at this as an impersonal matter, much as if you are reporting the time or the weather. When you report facts in these situations, there are three rules to remember. The three rules are: don't apologize, don't apologize, and don't apologize. An apology is due when you have done something wrong; no apology is called for when stating the reality of a situation. Karla, you don't have an ethical problem here, but the people who know the truth and remain silent do. Wayne (From the column for the week of January 12, 2004) Call Of The Wild A male coworker continually touches everyone's food. For example, at an office birthday party, he walks over to the cake, runs his index finger the entire length of the cake where the frosting is really thick, then sticks a big glob of frosting in his mouth. At another meeting, six cups of Diet Coke are poured and sitting on the table and the person pouring the drinks is waiting for the foam to go down. This man walks over and sticks his finger into all six claiming "it will help the foam go down." At a team lunch in a nice restaurant someone asks him to pass a roll. He reaches in, grabs a roll, and hands it over after cramming the other rolls in his mouth. People make comments and ask him not to touch the food, to no avail. We're tired of racing to the food before he gets there and paws it. Ashley Ashley, animals, birds, and fish mark their territory. Like miners in a gold rush, they know whoever holds the territory gains the power. Your coworker is trying to establish dominance and control over the team. His actions say, "I rule you guys." Not only are his actions unappetizing, but his unwashed hands spread germs. His behavior needs to stop, but reasoned discussion isn't getting you anywhere. Why not take a lesson from the animal kingdom and apply it to your problem? Wolves in a pack are ruled by an alpha male and an alpha female. The alphas dominate the others and enforce rules in their territory. When a challenger wolf appears, the rest of the pack lie back and let an alpha take over. The alpha lets the intruder know in no uncertain terms who owns the territory and has the power. Your employer is the alpha in your workplace. He or she owns the territory and has the power to enforce the rules. Your coworker doesn't have the rank or title which allow him to rule over the rest of your group, so he is trying to steal rank by marking the food of the team. He is violating the food of the "pack" and usurping the power of the alpha. Let your boss know you need protection. Anything that hurts his pack, undermines his authority and hurts his team. That's why the pack loves and respects the alpha, and looks to him or her for protection. If your rank in the "pack" is not high enough to approach the alpha directly, clip this column and send it to your boss with the intruder's name. Wayne & Tamara (From the column for the week of January 31, 2005) Upper Hand I interviewed for an executive assistant position with a new company. The job involves working for three of the company's vice-presidents. After I was chosen I was asked to come in and sign an offer letter. The human relations manager told me vacation time was negotiable. The offer gave me two weeks after 90 days. I asked for three. The human relations manager then spoke to the senior vice-president, a man who is to be my direct supervisor. When he questioned her, he asked if she told me two weeks was more than the usual a person gets when hired. She told him yes, which was a lie. So, by covering her ass, it made me look bad. My first thought is, if this comes up in conversation, I will be straightforward and say, "I was told vacation time was negotiable, so I asked her for three weeks." Do you think I should leave the subject alone, bring it up on my own, or tell him if asked? April April, the zoologist Desmond Morris observed that we spend a great deal of time exploring our higher motives and an equal amount of time ignoring our lower ones. You want to view the personnel manager in terms of honesty, integrity, and ethics, but there is another way to see her actions. For decades psychology has ignored the concept of dominance, but it is a daily fact of our existence and our awareness of it starts when we are very young children. In any group of people or animals, some individuals hold a higher rank than others. You are about to work for three high-status individuals. As a new hire your rank is low. The personnel manager, faced with a choice of appeasing a dominant individual or protecting a low ranking one, yielded to power. People caught in the middle typically lie when cornered. Viewing this from the most base level, her behavior is not surprising. The best thing to do is let this go and hope it is forgotten. If you bring up the issue, you will be confirming you asked for three weeks, which will not be seen as a positive in your bosses' eyes. It will make you seem greedy and demanding. From their point of view, you are a tool to ensure their success. They do not want you missing in action. You have also been shown you cannot trust the human relations manager. This means you should never trust her, and it also means you should never let her know that you don't trust her. Wayne & Tamara (From the column for the week of November 14, 2005) A Plan Of Attack I feel I am at the breaking point. I work at a small school and run the office. I do all the financials, secretarial work, and reception duties. While staffing has increased in the classroom, it has not in administration. I shared my feeling with the principal on Monday and clearly stated things must change. Teachers need to take more responsibility for their own tasks instead of bringing them to the office via students or teacher aides. The principal gave a huge lecture to teachers about overloading, looking out for each other, and making sure family life has priority. I felt better. Then he told me he was leaving at 11:30 a.m. and in future would take every Thursday off! That automatically increases my workload. I resolved not to work overtime, which is usually unpaid, but yesterday was so busy I needed to in order to get my real work done. Everyone else left early! I enjoy the job and need to work, but no one takes me seriously including my husband who tells me how wonderful I am. I am tired of being superwoman. We have children and visitors from overseas for several months, and I feel any day I will lose my mind! Blake Blake, you are hardworking, clever, and do your job well. You need to use that cleverness and work ethic to devise a solution. You've done the most important thing by talking to the principal. He's already given the speech. In fact, he took a page from what you are feeling and applied it to himself. That sounds awful, but it frees you to act without having to explain your position to everyone. Your job is like a square box. It doesn't matter how many people want to put more in the box. When the box is full, it is full. Once other people understand that, they will go look for another box. Begin with your main duties and center your day around these items. Each time someone brings other work, decide if you can reasonably do it. If you can't, send it back or offer to show that person how they can do it for themselves. At quitting time, the box is full. Grab your purse and go. On Thursdays, explain the principal is unavailable. Don't offer to take messages or handle the situation yourself. At home, tell your husband you are now trading compliments for a load of laundry and help with the dishes. Integrate your house guests into the normal family chores and routine. Most guests actually enjoy it! Being superwoman is not a compliment, it is a job description. If you don't reduce your stress level, one day you will quit your job because you simply cannot bear it. No one will gain from that. Wayne & Tamara (From the column for the week of October 28, 2002) What Doesn't Work Recently Ted, a nice coworker, joined my group. We work together on all projects and share ideas and communication with our manager on a daily basis. Ted started carpooling with the boss. At that point he changed. What were joint projects, Ted made his own. When I tried to contact our boss to do the same, it was obvious he prefers Ted. The two of them talk at home and go to church together. I have been in my group for over two years and work hard to be creative. Now I find anytime I do something, Ted quickly takes over. He always beats me to the punch. I am not trying to be petty, but it is getting ridiculous. A job I have been striving for is finally open. There is a trickled rumor the boss has nominated Ted. Let me review the facts. I have been here longer, worked harder, and am overdue for promotion, a thought shared by coworkers. I mentioned this to a higher level boss, who in turn looked at me as a troublemaker. Direct contact with Ted would be dynamite because of his attitude, but this isn't right. The more waves I make, the more I look bad, so I am hoping to get some advice on possible strategy. Donald Donald, certain situations are hopeless. You don't want to hear this, but this is one of them. You can list all the facts you want, but it won't change the main fact. Your manager prefers this new employee to you. There can be a wide range of reasons for this. Your manager may feel you are far too valuable where you are, or you may simply lack the bootlicking skills to succeed in this particular workplace. The new employee is not the enemy. Look at him in broader terms. He might be the wrench thrown at your life to stimulate a reaction, a reexamination of where you want to go. The writer James Michener once said, "The job of an apple tree is to bear apples. The job of a storyteller is to tell stories." What is your real job in life? The only strategy to consider is where your life is going. This includes determining if you choose to remain with this company, whether you should pursue more education, or if you are even in the right field. Source : WayneandTamara.com

Office Romance Too Close For Comfort I befriended my boss when she was hurting and going through a divorce. We fell in love and started dating, but soon realized chaos due to the newness of her divorce and our working together. The relationship was tough and complicated. She walked away, then I did the same. I told her I would quit my job so we could have a chance to see if we had a future. She said she might be making a mistake but wanted to be alone to heal. I thought that was a great idea and part of me felt relief. But it wasn’t over. Working for her is unbearable. We tried, but it is impossible to keep emotions out of the way so we can relate as professionals. Things are a little better now, but they will never be normal. She is the boss and has the power. I can’t tell you how many times I left her office or a meeting feeling like I was under a rock. I believe she is overcompensating by being extra tough, and I have to tell you, I work my tail off. Many times I asked her to treat me like the others, but she can’t seem to admit she treats me different. My peers know she has been tough on me, but they do not know why. It’s embarrassing. I think I need to move on and soon. I am looking for a job, have had interviews, and can live without a paycheck for a year. Am I running, or is this common sense to get out of a situation that makes us both extremely uncomfortable? I have learned a valuable lesson for sure. Evan Evan, in the novel Vanity Fair William Makepeace Thackeray made a telling observation. He wrote, when one person has obligations to another and they have a falling out, it “makes of the former a much severer enemy than a mere stranger would be.” When things get sticky, our minds leap to see the other party as the villain. We deny our part in the affair, and as Thackeray said, attribute to others “the most sinister motives.” Thackeray wrote of a falling out between businessmen, but many situations are variations on this same theme. For example, a woman is unhappily married. After she decides to divorce her husband, she shares all of her husband’s faults with a friend. Then she changes her mind and returns to the husband. Perhaps she couldn’t find anyone else, perhaps she feels more financially secure with him, or perhaps unhappiness is so familiar she is afraid to seek something better. But having aired her dirty laundry to a friend, she now feels compelled to give the friend the coldest of cold shoulders. Why? Because it is impossible to pretend to be happily married around a person who knows the truth. The woman wishes her friend would simply vanish from her life. This mental reaction allows the woman to pretend to herself and to the world she is in a good marriage. For your boss, you are her Achilles’ heel. Romantic involvement gave you intimate knowledge about her, more leverage in the workplace, and weakened her authority. At least that’s how she sees it. She is chagrined. Now she seeks to put you in your place as her subordinate. Much is written about open and honest communication in the workplace, but none of it works when the boss is unreceptive. There simply is no technique you can use to get her to relent. You make her feel emotionally vulnerable. Seeing you sets her off. That’s not your intention, but you are powerless to alter her emotions. Unless your company is large enough for you to transfer to another department, leaving for greener pastures seems like the best option. Before you leave, share the real reason for your departure with trusted colleagues. Wayne & Tamara (From the column for the week of July 9, 2007) A Pickup Line I just started a wonderful new job. The atmosphere is laid-back, and the people alone make the place fantastic. The best of them all is my boss. She is 29, a month my elder, and very comely in appearance. At first I was merely attracted to her, but as time went on, I fell hard. I couldn't put my finger on it, but she has such a sweet and gentle spirit. Problem is she's not only my boss. She's married. At weekly meetings, I didn't want them to end. I'd lose focus during the conversation. I'd stare at her when she was talking. She is such a delightful and special person I couldn't help it. I wished I could be with her all day. On some occasions, I thought she had to know this. It was killing me inside. She'd walk by me in a sundress, and I'd look her over. I would notice her looking down at me coyishly, then she'd get a call from her husband and be all happy to hear from him. I cut my eyes back to my computer, upset. I thought I had to tell her, so one Friday, I did. She told me everything I needed to hear. She said she was happily married. I said I wouldn't hurt her in her career. She told me to get over it. I told her it was done, but that I love her in a way that makes me want to do the best for her. I want to be there for her, but now she's very cold to me. I say hello in the hallway and she walks by me quicker. Her actions appear scripted. It sears my soul every day to think I hurt or scared her in any way. Will things return to normal so we can be close friends in spite of all this? Reynold Reynold, you will never be close friends because friends is not what you want from her. She gave you no opening for your remarks. You created a problem for her with a subordinate, a problem with no easy solution except to keep you at arm's length. You created a permanent difficulty in your new job, one which can influence your chances for raises and promotion. The only solution is to keep your eyes and your thoughts to yourself and do your job. You are looking at this strictly from your own point of view. Where did you get the idea you can tell any married woman you are romantically and sexually attracted to her? That would mean, when you marry, any man is free to hit on your wife. When crossing the street, it is best to look both ways. If you think only of your own objective, the opposite curb, you are likely to get run over. Wayne & Tamara (From the column for the week of November 11, 2002) Irresistible I'm attracted to my manager. He was the one who showed his interest to me first by complimenting me and making wonderful eye contact. He is single and one year younger than me. Until today he only asked me out one time and that was when a close friend of ours also attended the dinner and we had so much fun. Indeed I never gave him enough opportunity to approach closer because I was not sure if this was wise in terms of office ethics. He has a good reputation in my company for his character, virtues, and moral values. For the past five months we have been working side by side on the same project. Sometimes we have a chance to talk friendly about our private lives, and once he told me he misses relationship opportunities since he hates to see himself chasing after women. From what he told me I figured out he will never ask me for a private date because he is afraid it might be considered trying to seduce a woman working under his management. So today, after struggling by myself for many months, I offered to have a drink with him some night this week, and he accepted with great joy. Do you think I am doing something right? Anjuli Anjuli, work is a less artificial situation than dating, and it is hard to conceal who you really are in your daily work. Many happily married people met at work. There are, however, several things to keep in mind. Dating someone at work also involves your livelihood, so you must respect this element. Keep your personal relationship out of the workplace. At work, focus on the job you are paid to do. Although you may want to share the joy of your new relationship with your coworkers, it is a joy they may not share. Would they be happy that you have a special relationship with your manager, and they do not? Some will suspect your special connection with him will mean favorable treatment for you at their expense; others will suspect you of shirking your job responsibilities. In addition, what you might innocently say to one person may, after being repeated, turn into something else. From the outset you need to realize if either of you does not wish to continue the relationship, then you will both be in the uncomfortable position of working side by side with someone you were once romantically involved with. The outer attraction between you was too great for you to resist asking, and for him to resist accepting. You can minimize the risk by doing your job well, and if this turns out to be more than a job for you, we will be very happy for you. Wayne & Tamara (From the column for the week of December 29, 2003) Moral Compass I have had a very secret little big crush on my boss since I started working for him. I just turned 18, and he is in his mid-20s and married. Knowing he is married and much older, I thought of it as an innocent, completely one-sided crush. I am young and dumb and like the butterflies. The other night a lot of people from work went out, and everyone got completely smashed. On the car ride home he was way more affectionate toward me than a married man should be. I tried to prevent it, but he is so cute and I was so drunk. I don’t want to go into specifics, but I could tell in his eyes, if I let him go for it, he would. I want so badly to talk to him about it, but I love my job and would be mortified if he didn’t remember what happened or the conversation went sour. He was drunk and it probably meant nothing, but it hurts so bad because there are feelings on my end. Lisette Lisette, there are two kinds of butterflies. The butterflies of anticipation and the butterflies of dread. You have fantasies of the two of you together, but what about the fantasies of his wife calling you on the phone. A married man is not in your pool of interest just as a man you find unattractive is not in your pool. Somehow in your head you think it is legitimate to ask, how can I take another woman’s husband? If we were willing to tell you that, we would be willing to tell another woman how to take your husband. At 18, this isn’t the direction to be going. source: wayneandtamara.com

Boo. Let me go on a little rant here, about the men in my workplace. Its funny how, I can see in the faces of the new hires (fresh out of college?) that, they look up to their seniors, because they command respect and get attention from colleagues on-and-off the office. You’d think attention was such a good thing, but here I am, about to go on the above-mentioned rant: no, I don’t enjoy it, particularly. I mean, as a society, the workplace is still a long ways-off to equality between men and women. My boy once told me that, I work too hard; he finds me attractive, and that, like many attractive people, I do enjoy being beautiful, but would rather be known for my natural merits, like character or skill. That’s why in school, I worked hard — so what if I won the third prize in the genetic lottery? It didn’t mean I was going to use my looks to go through life. Here’s a little list of things I’ve experienced in the various workplaces that I’ve been part of. The Fake Interview From Hell – This happened when I was fresh out of college, less than a month out, and I’ve been saturating job openings with my resume — this meant that, in a week, I would have at least 3-5 interviews lined up, and sometimes, they would be scheduled on the same day – so it was easy to bounce from area to area. In school, we had guests from consulting agencies to teach us what to do in interviews, etc. And so for my very first real “real” interview, this is what happened. I was sitting in the reception area when this guy in a suit sat beside me. He then asked me, “so, why do you want to work for our company?” I got all nervous, and whimpered, “is this the interview?” He coldly replied that it was, and he was being really, really arrogant and he didn’t even know what position I was applying for! He kept on asking questions until this girl steps in, “Hey! What are you doing with the new applicant?! Stop jerking around!” It turns out that the guy thought I was cute, and was playing a joke on me. He wasn’t even in the department I was applying for! How mean and unprofessional! Night Out Bitching – I know, much can be said about men and office politics, but this just disgusted me. It was a Friday night, a major project just got finished, and everyone was feeling the vibe of getting a drink right after work … as early as 3. Some of our officemates couldn’t make it, and I was stuck with a bunch that I wasn’t particularly close to. It’s surprising, then, for me, to hear what they were talking about — they were criticizing the quirks of my officemates! Then they started talking about which of the girls “they’d hit.” I mean, granted, we weren’t in an office environment, but, are you allowed to make snap judgment on people you JUST work with? I know I can’t do anything for them, but I just stopped tagging along, gossip doesn’t bring anything good in my personal life, and most especially, it won’t do anything for me in the office either. Unwanted Paparazzo – This is just the worst. See, I have a boyfriend, and, it’s not like I have to let the whole office now, right? (I use it to counter any advances hehe) So there’s this one sweet afternoon that he had a meeting near the office, and he visited me for an afternoon snack! We went to a nearby coffee shop, and, as it turned out, an officemate was also there for a meeting. He took a picture using his PDA, paparazzi-style, and sent it to the office e-mail, (save for mine) when I went in, everyone had this look of malice, as if I was using office breaks to hook up. The worst part is, I got called in by the big boss about it… Take note, after the last incident, I didn’t just slink back in my desk, hoping that karma would get them. I reported the truth, using the proper avenues, and the big boss asked the officemates to apologize to me. I’m hoping that I find a way that most of my male officemates would come to respect me as an equal, a human person who goes to work to just get work done. (And here I am being super-nice to the shy IT guy, because at least with him, I could joke around and not get disrespected.) Source: Social Climber Blog http://socialclimber.wordpress.com/2008/04/16/why-i-hate-the-men-in-my-workplace/

When you’re in the workforce, a large part of your day – and your week – is spent on the job. And having friends in the workplace can help make your workday more enjoyable. When you have friends in the workplace, it gives you somebody to talk to, brainstorm ideas with, and generally helps improve your overall productivity. According to a survey in Business Wire, 70 percent of all individuals surveyed said friendships create a more supportive and friendly environment to work in, while 56 percent said it increases workplace morale.

Although some workplace friendships can transition into lifelong friendships outside of the office, other times they can backfire and cause more harm than good. When that happens, it can lead to feelings of awkwardness between those involved and have a negative impact on careers and office environments. When it comes to developing friendships in the workplace, you don’t have to avoid them. But, it is important to be a little cautious. So here are a few words of advice to help  keep your workplace friendships happy and healthy.

Remember there’s work to do. You and your co-workers have tasks and duties to perform throughout the day and you have goals to meet. Make it a point to not spend your day around the office cooler gossiping about what company news you’ve heard. If you want to talk and catch up on what’s going on with your office buddies, reserve a few minutes at the beginning of your day, go to lunch together, or talk at designated break times. Just keep in mind that too much socializing throughout the day, especially when there are deadlines to meet, can cause strain and stress on your team, your job, and your friendship.

Be careful about what information you share. If you hang out with co-workers outside of work, be careful about what personal information you share, especially if you don’t want that information shared with other co-workers. Also make sure you don’t talk about other co-workers, supervisors, or the company. Depending on how well you know that person, what you say could get back to the office.

Don’t let the friendship take advantage of you. With friendships in the workplace, you might run into a situation where a friend wants some help with their daily tasks. It’s fine to help them out, but within reason. If they need help with some software, want to bounce an idea off you, need to switch lunch hours so they can leave a little early for a doctor’s appointment, these are examples of when it’s OK to help. But, if they’re wanting you to help cover up a mistake for them, wanting you to give them less constructive feedback, or slacking on their productivity and asking you to take on some of their work, these are examples of no-no’s. Being friends does not mean playing favorites at work. You have a job to do and so do they.

Friends are great to have at work. Just remember that at work, you have to keep your actions professional because you have a job to do first and foremost. Apply these tips to your job to ensure you develop quality relationships with others in the workplace without adding to workplace frustrations.

Source: Movin' On Up

Source: Movin' On Up