A banker calls in an oilman to review his loans. "We loaned you a million to revive your old wells, and they went dry." says the banker. "Coulda been worse." "Then we loaned you a million to drill new wells, and they were dry." "Coulda been worse." "Then we loaned you another million for new drilling equipment, and it broke down." "Coulda been worse." "I'm getting tired of hearing that!" snaps the banker. "How could it have been worse?" "Coulda been my money," says the oilman.

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?" The young man answered, "Yes, I did." To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?" source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

To ten excuses- If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work: 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!" 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken..." 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk. 1. " ...... AMEN!" source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened. Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system. source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

A fire alarm rang at 4 pm in a large office campus when almost all employees were present (approx 5,000 people ). As per past fire-drill practices, the entire office was quickly evacuated within 3 minutes, and all employees gathered outside the complex in designated areas waiting for further announcement. Before long, the fire drill officer in-charge made the following broadcast over their loud-speakers system : "My dear colleagues : With sincere regret, I have been asked to announce that for many of you, this will be your last evacuation drill with us. Due to the on-going recession and bad business climate, the company is laying off almost 50% of its staff. So when this announcement finishes, I ask all of you to move back into the building. And if your swipe-card does not work, then it means that you have been laid off, in which case you will not be allowed inside, and all your personal belongings will be couriered to you by tomorrow. The company is using this innovative, never-before approach as we do not want to choke our email system with lay-off notices and farewell messages going by the thousands, and we also wish to avoid any fighting inside the office and the consequent security issues for all staff. We hope you have had a rewarding career with us. Now please move back in… and good luck ! source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face." "He's an arrogant, self-important jerk, piss on him!" "You did. All over his suit, "Louise informed him. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him," said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday." Source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

• can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make when they go flying by.
• Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
• Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
• I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
• My reality check bounced.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
• You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter.
• I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Source: www.homebuilt.org

1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off 2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate 3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs. 4. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America's third biggest lender. source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

Well, I was thinking about re-entering the work force but gave that up after trying a new job. Man, they were so strict at that job that I had to quit.It was constantly: "No personal calls." "Don't surf the web." "Put your pants back on." I mean, who can work in an environment like that? http://miteshasher.blogspot.com/

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!" source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business." source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two. " The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Smith, two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job... source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. * * * Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander. * * * Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. * * * Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" "I'm going too!!" he replied. "Why?" She asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ e-mail one Attention: Human Resources Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Regards, Project Leader e-mail two Attention: Human Resources Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability. Regards, Project Leader

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ "A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation." Howard Scott. "I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons." Douglas Adams. "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." Charles Lamb. "In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock." Orson Welles. "Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet." Mark Twain (...more Mark Twain Quotes). "The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows, your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege." letter in the Times newspaper. "In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything." Harold Coffin. "The first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you." Charles Dickens. "Few great men would have got past personnel." Paul Goodman. "When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of this mess I am in now he thought for a long time and said, 'Yes, death would help'." Robert Morley.

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ "Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty." George Bernard Shaw (...more George Bernard Shaw Quotes). "A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." Patrick Murray. "The one great principle of English law is to make business for itself." Charles Dickens. "A man may as well open an oyster without a knife, as a lawyer's mouth without a fee." Barton Holyday. "The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing." Will Rogers. "A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong; they should have killed him because he was a lawyer." Whitney Brown. "No brilliance is required in law, just common sense and relatively clean fingernails." John Mortimer. "Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish." Ted Whitehead. "An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer." Evelle Younger. "A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats." Benjamin Franklin.

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ "My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more." Walter Matthau. "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." Samuel Goldwyn. "A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy." Joan Rivers. "She got her looks from her father: He's a plastic surgeon." Groucho Marx (...more Groucho Marx Quotes). "No-one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish." Kin Hubbard. "First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me." Steve Martin. "Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down." Dick Sharples. "I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge." Spike Milligan (...more Spike Milligan Quotes). "A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience." Merv Stockwood. "I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?" Paul Merton.

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ "The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill." Peter Ustinov. "More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits." John Nelson. "Gentlemen prefer bonds." Andrew Mellon. "I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside." Ken Dodd. "We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure." Keith Davis. "If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem." JP Getty. "I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon." Henry Youngman. "To make a million, start with $900,000." Morton Shulman. "Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination." Oscar Wilde (...more Oscar Wilde Quotes). "A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist." Franklin Jones.

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ "Don't tell my mother I work in an advertising agency; she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse." Jacques Seguela. "What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public." Vilhjalmur Stefansson. "Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it." Will Rogers. "So long as there's a jingle in your head, television isn't free." Jason Love. "In general, my children refused to eat anything that hadn't danced on TV." Erma Bombeck. "The trouble with us in America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy." Louis Kronenberger. "It is our job to make women unhappy with what they have." B. Earl Puckett. "It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper." R. Serling. "Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket." George Orwell. "I have... had a disturbing dream in which I break through a cave wall near Nag Hammadi and discover urns full of ancient Coptic scrolls. As I unfurl the first scroll, a subscription card to some Gnostic exercise magazine flutters out." Colin McEnroe.

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off! Source: http://www.AhaJokes.com/

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table. During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm. Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming. Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it. Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room. Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points. When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.) Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it. Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

These are from actual resumes: "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability." "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap." "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich." "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." "Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various." RESUME BLOOPERS "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions." REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB: "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches." "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." "The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers." JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility." "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award." SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job." "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep." PERSONAL INTERESTS: "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far." SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984." "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse." "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget." "I'm a rabid typist." "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress." 7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6. "The coffee machine is broken...." 5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: "Amen" -------------------------------------------- Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a hoot.
3. How about "never?" Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the mess-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of co-workers.
8. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
9. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
10. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

source: www.butlerwebs.com

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing. The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?" The guy replies, "150 dollars." The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back. A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner, "Have you seen that UPS driver?? I asked him to wait here for me!" source: www.butlerwebs.com

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair." source: www.butlerwebs.com

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"
2. Take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I''d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it''s like the dream.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they''ve seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.

source www.slinkycity.com

Mr. Robert Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." source: www.slinkycity.com

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He narrowed it down to one of two people -- Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that whichever one used the water cooler first the following morning would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I''ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache." Source: www.slinkycity.com

Just opened my account.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry... we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "That's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Source: www.homebuilt.org

"So tell me, Mrs. Jones," asked the interviewer, "do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?" "Well, actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I also finished my novel." "Very impressive," commented the interviewer, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours." Mrs. Jones explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours." source:www. slinkycity.com

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit more clear: IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle. IN PRISON... you get three meals a day. AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... you get your own toilet. AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON... you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK... they are called managers. source: www.butlerwebs.com

• You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
• You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
• You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
• You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
• You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

source:butlerwebs.com

All hail and make way For Mrs. Type A! She works like the place is on fire– She comes in at five With a heart full of drive And her bpm ninety or higher! She handles all greetings, She runs all the meetings, She swallows her enemies wholly! She lunches while walking And cellular-talking. She’s tense and intense and control-y! I watch and feel lost. I don’t mind her exhaust, If that’s what she’s wanting to do. But if she’s the display Of what’s meant by Type A, Then I must be down near Type Q. http://davidellisdickerson.com

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. A little ignorance can go a long way. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. source: www.funfacts.com.au

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook. About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes". Source: wwww.jokersrevenge.com

My Fellow Employees, It has come to our attention that employees may be taking too much time off from work. As such we have instuted the following policies for all employees to follow. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1,  July 4 & Dec. 25 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. Signed The Management source: www.jokersrevenge.com

Cartoon About Life In A Cubicle This funny cartoon is very well done. It is about a little man who has all kinds of crazy adventures in his cubicle at work.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE … enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to… something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE … a youth she’s content to leave behind…. a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her old age…. a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra… one friend who always makes her laugh.. and one who lets her cry… A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…. eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored… A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .. a feeling of control over her destiny… how to fall in love without losing herself.. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship…. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…… when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… that she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.. that her childhood may not have been perfect…but it’s over…. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…. how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. . whom she can trust, whom she can’t, and why she shouldn’t take it personally… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… where to go… be it to her best friend’s kitchen table… or a charming Inn in the woods… when her soul needs soothing… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… What she can and can’t accomplish in a day… a month…and a year… source: e-forwards.com

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair. Source: comedy-zone.net

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far…

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

…will take you.

Source: www.homegrown.org

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting.

Attached: Extended Job Code List

Code Number	Explanation
5316	Useless Meeting
5317	Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318	Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319	Waiting for Break
5320	Waiting for Lunch
5321	Waiting for End of Day
5322	Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323	Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393	Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5394	Blaming Incompetence of Coworker Who is Not a Friend
5400	Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401	Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402	Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481	Buying Snack
5482	Eating Snack
5500	Filling Out Timesheet
5501	Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502	Waiting for Something to Happen
5503	Scratching Yourself
5504	Sleeping
5510	Feeling Bored
5600	Complaining About Lousy Job
5601	Complaining About Low Pay
5602	Complaining About Long Hours
5603	Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604	Complaining About Boss
5605	Complaining About Personal Problems
5640	Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701	Not Actually Present At Job
5702	Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102	Ordering Out
6103	Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104	Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200	Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201	Stealing Company Goods
6202	Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Files
6203	Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204	Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205	Hiding from Boss
6206	Gossip
6207	Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210	Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211	Updating Resume
6212	Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213	Out of Office on Interview
6221	Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222	Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223	Pretending You Like Coworker
6224	Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238	Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350	Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601	Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602	Complaining
6603	Writing a Book on Company Time
6611	Staring Into Space
6612	Staring At Computer Screen
6615	Transcendental Meditation
7281	Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400	Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401	Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402	Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403	Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404	Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405	Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406	Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419	Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7931	Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000	Recreational Drug Use
8001	Non-recreational Drug Use
8002	Liquid Lunch
8100	Reading e-mail
8101	Distributing humorous e-mails

 

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A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going too!!" he replied.

"Why?" She asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

Source: Comedy Zone

A man walks into a building and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization. The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group." The man says O.K.

He is stripped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join. Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away. The man begs for another chance and is given this chance.

The woman walks by again and again the man's bell rings again. The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization."

As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.

Source: Comedy Zone

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.

The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."

Source: Comedy Zone