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Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.

The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."

Source: Comedy Zone

A man walks into a building and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization. The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group." The man says O.K.

He is stripped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join. Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away. The man begs for another chance and is given this chance.

The woman walks by again and again the man's bell rings again. The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization."

As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.

Source: Comedy Zone

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going too!!" he replied.

"Why?" She asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

Source: Comedy Zone

Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.

Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

See item 1.)  

In theory, the office is a place where goals are fulfilled and prosperity generated. In practice, as evidenced in the following stories gathered from interviews with office-bound laborers in a range of industries, it’s a fertile breeding ground for threats to livelihood and sanity. And while the obvious response to many of the admittedly extreme situations described below would be to quit as soon as possible (which is something that several of our sources did, in fact, do), the issues raised can help illuminate situations in which resolution is not so easy to find. Read on for advice on how to use common sense, good manners, and the occasional deployment of well-intentioned deceit to make bitchy, passive-aggressive e-mail exchanges a thing of the past.

 

 

1. Swimming against the current of a terrible idea.
Problem
“I’d been at an Internet company for about a month, and we were trying to figure out how to draw attention to our booth at a technology conference. Someone suggested we hire dancing midgets on the logic that they were small people and our clients were small businesses. It kind of started out as a joke, but pretty soon someone was getting out their phone, like, ‘I know a guy who can make this happen.’ I got pretty angry because it was just embarrassing and offensive. But everyone told me that maybe the problem was that I couldn’t handle the industry.”

 

Solution
Even the greenest, most-midget-marketing-ignorant employee has unique expertise in one area: all the places he used to work. With the moral license allowed in the higher pursuit of saving one’s new employers from an unwise idea, it should be possible to craft a cautionary tale of failure that’s relevant enough to the current situation to be convincing, yet vague enough to be kind of true. (“We tried something sort of like this once, but it didn’t really work ... ”) Thus what is in reality the recognition of a transparently terrible plan can become, with only minimal dishonesty, flattery directed toward colleagues too savvy to repeat the mistakes of the past.

 

 

2. Curing a cubicle headache.
Problem
“We have this loud talker. It’s unbearable. If he’s in the room and he’s talking, you can’t get anything done. We’ve said things, but he just thinks it’s a joke. Now if you want to get someone’s attention, you have to IM them, because everyone bought noise-reduction headphones.”

 

Solution
Direct confrontation of a cubicle scourge can lead to resentment and retaliatory charges of hypocrisy. Or, as this example indicates, it can lead to nothing at all. To convey the seriousness of the issue without incurring a permanent grudge, consider staging a scene in which you take advantage of the open office plan by aggressively chastising a co-conspirator for his own loudness—making sure the encounter takes place in front of the nemesis and ends with your fellow actor apologizing abjectly for being so insensitive to co-workers.

 

 

3. Punishing a psycho boss.
Problem
“I was just starting out and wanted to make a good impression with the president of the bank I was working for, and he starts saying, ‘The problem with Jews is this, the problem with Jews is that, and if Israel only did this,’ all this anti-Semitic stuff. I’m Jewish, and I told him I wasn’t going to sit and listen to those kind of things. I got up to leave and he says, ‘Kid, sit down. I’m just surrounded by yes people, and I wanted to see if you had any balls.’ ”

 

Solution
When the perpetrator of misbehavior (e.g., strange, possibly anti-Semitic head games) is at the top of the food chain, the rumor mill is a wheel of sweet justice. Spread your story with the clear conscience that comes from knowing it’s the only way to get back at those who’ve achieved immunity through power! (Although, for the record, it should be noted that the consultant who shared the story says he’s been friends with the offending bank president for fifteen years.)

4. Giving instructions to idiots.
Problem
“We have an assistant who makes millions of errors at a time. Once she was given a list of things to buy and the list had a typo on it. She said, ‘I have been looking in all the office catalogues and I can’t find anything called a calthaculator.’ Another time she was like, ‘The fax number you gave me didn’t work, so I randomly added a 123 at the beginning and it went through.’ ”

 

Solution
At least she didn’t buy 123 calthaculators! But seriously, folks. The best way to deal with rank incompetence is to pretend you’re correcting a simple misunderstanding, which will help the transgressor save face while you raise the issue and add some sort of double-checking redundancy system (e.g., personally signing off on every fax cover sheet). Micromanagement is most effectively passed off as mere adherence to the tiresome requirements of faceless management meddlers. “I’m just a functionary in an inefficient bureaucracy” is one of the most eminently believable excuses for any action, no matter how absurd, in office life.

 

 

5. Learning about others’ social lives.
Problem
“I worked with a guy who was about 40 years old. He was on a business trip in Africa and brought a male prostitute back to his fancy hotel. Homosexuality was illegal in that country, but he apparently knew the part of the capital to find gay prostitutes. He went skinny-dipping with this guy in the hotel pool in the middle of the night. When he woke up the next morning, all his money was gone.”

 

Solution
If it’s possible to remove yourself from a situation before someone else realizes you’ve seen him in a compromising position, do so; if you can’t escape, it’s crucial to transition as quickly as possible from instinctive astonishment or laughter to the raised-eyebrow, seen-everything manner of a wry private detective. Sharing one’s own story of foolish debauchery, implying “what’re you gonna do?” equivalence to the immediate situation, might also help. If you must tell someone what you saw, find a Keeper of Workplace Secrets outside the office: a friend who gives enough of a crap to learn the names of all the people you work with, yet is remote enough—ideally based in a different time zone, or if you have a time machine, a different century—that there is very little danger he’ll ever intersect with your professional circle.

 

 

6. Getting into the club.
Problem
“A guy can ask any junior guy out to drink, which helps them advance. But no man wants to seem like they’re hitting on someone, so they won’t ask a woman out to lunch alone, or a drink. They don’t form a bond with junior-level women because they don’t see us as little versions of them. I don’t remind them of themselves when they started, so I don’t get that mentorly treatment.”

 

Solution
To enhance her chances of getting to the top without having to sleep her way up, the enterprising young woman should consider developing an interest in the hobby that reeks of camaraderie, yet is scientifically proved to reduce potency and libido: golf.

7. Bringing a deadweight up to speed.
Problem
“Once when I was in school I was in a meeting with a few other summer associates getting an assignment from a more-senior member of the firm. During the meeting, one of the people I was working with on the project ate two bags of Cheetos and covered all the documents in orange Cheetos fingerprints. I think she was mentally unbalanced.”

 

Solution
Unfortunately, albatross collaborators don’t always oblige your anxiety by having flaws or Cheetos habits so obvious that no one could possibly hold you responsible. If simply doing their job for them and begging to never be assigned to work with them again isn’t feasible, you’ll have to take one for the team—from yourself. Return from a meeting with your supervisor in a conspicuously downbeat mood, and then explain it by grimly—yet collegially—describing how badly you just got chewed out, and what serious trouble you’ll be in if everyone doesn’t start working harder.

 

 

8. Owning up to mistakes.
Problem
“I was supposed to put together this huge chart. My immediate boss signed off on three different drafts, but when I pulled together the final draft for the head guy, a notorious asshole, I had written ‘council’ when it should have said ‘counsel.’ He came running out of his office like ‘This org chart is shit! Who did this? Does he know how to spell?’ I had only been there a month, so someone told him my name. And he yelled, ‘His name is Shit!’ So I changed it to ‘counsel.’ ”

 

Solution
Obviously, the sanest response to someone going nuts because you made a single spelling mistake is to find a new employer, which is what actually happened here. But if no one had ratted out the beleaguered org-chart compiler, and if his boss had been a little less of a loon, it’s possible he could have rectified the situation with a standard two-tiered apology system: a public admission of guilt followed by a not-too-supplicatory e-mail to the wronged party outlining very briefly what should have been done. (“In the future, I will strive to avoid the confusion of homonyms.”) And if Mr. Shit (not his real name) had not in fact been responsible for the error, the most honorable approach would have been to fill in the actual culprit on what happened and leave him the choice of narking on himself.

 

 

9. Working with mooks.
Problem
“All my boss talks about is how many girls he fucked in college. And he always says things to his office friends like ‘I wish I didn’t have a girlfriend; I’d totally fuck her’—referring to some girl who just walked by—‘Maybe you should fuck her! But make sure she doesn’t do coke. Girls who do coke have STDs.’ ”

 

Solution
One non-litigious method of keeping superiors from making crass comments in your presence is to fake a type-A personality. If you come across as all business all the time, offending colleagues will think of you as a nerd not worth including in their banter—no great loss in this case.
 

Source: New York Guides

 

 

 

 

The reason why you aren't a millionaire (or on your way to becoming one) is really quite simple.  You probably assume it's because you aren't earning enough money, but the truth is that for most people, whether or not you become a millionaire has very little to do with the amount of money you make.  It's the way that you treat money in your daily life.  Here are 10 possible reasons you aren't a millionaire:

1. You Care What Your Neighbours Think: If you're competing against them and their material possessions, you're wasting your hard-earned money on toys to impress them instead of building your wealth.
2. You Aren't Patient: Until the era of credit cards, it was difficult to spend more than you had.  That is not the case today. If you have credit card debt because you couldn't wait until you had enough money to purchase something in cash, you are making others wealthy while keeping yourself in debt.
3. You Have Bad Habits: Whether it's smoking, drinking, gambling or some other bad habit, the habit is using up a lot of money that could go toward building wealth.  Most people don't realise that the cost of their bad habits extends far beyond the immediate cost.  Take smoking, for example: It costs a lot more than the pack of cigarettes purchased.  It also negatively affects your wealth in the form of higher insurance rates and decreased value of your home.
4. You Have No Goals: It's difficult to build wealth if you haven't taken the time to know what you want.  If you haven't set wealth goals, you aren't likely to attain them.  You need to do more than state, "I want to be a millionaire."  You need to take the time to set saving and investing goals on a yearly basis and come up with a plan for how to achieve those goals.
5. You Haven't Prepared: Bad things happen to the best of people from time to time, and if you haven't prepared for such a thing to happen to you through insurance, any wealth that you might have built can be gone in an instant.
6. You Try to Make a Quick Buck: For the vast majority of us, wealth doesn't come instantly.  You may believe that people winning the lottery are a dime a dozen, but the truth is you're far more likely to get struck by lightning than win the lottery.  This desire to get rich quickly likely extends into the way you invest, with similar results.
7. You Rely on Others to Take Care of Your Money: You believe that others have more knowledge about money matters and you rely exclusively on their judgment when deciding where you should invest your money.  Unfortunately, most people want to make money themselves, and this is their primary objective when they tell you how to invest your money.  Listen to other people's advice to get new ideas, but in the end you should know enough to make your own investing decisions.
8. You Invest in Things You Don't Understand: Your hear that Bob has made a lot of money doing it, and you want to get in on the gravy train.  If Bob really did make money, he did so because he understood how the investment worked.  Throwing in your money because someone else has made money without fully understanding how the investment works will keep you from being wealthy.
9. You're Financially Afraid: You are so scared of risk that you keep all your money in a savings account that is actually losing money when inflation is put into the equation, yet you refuse to move it to a place where higher rates of return are possible because you're afraid that you will lose money.
10. You Ignore Your Finances: You take the attitude that if you make enough, the finances will take care of themselves.  If you currently have debt, it will somehow resolve itself in the future.  Unfortunately, it takes planning to become wealthy.  It doesn't magically happen to the vast majority of people.

In reality, it is probably not just one of the above bad habits that has kept you from becoming a millionaire, but a combination of a few of them.  Take a hard look at the list, and do some reflecting.  If you want to be a millionaire, it's well within your power, but you'll have to face the issues that are currently keeping you from creating that wealth before you will have a chance to call yourself one.

Source: bumbinorn.ru

 

Ponder this for a moment:

• How many people at work know who you really are?

• How many people do you see clearly for who they are?

I was thinking about the things an executive coach really does--or should be doing. One of the most important is this: Seeing people for who they are, realizing what they can be, and helping to take them there.

If that doesn't sound very "business-like," it probably isn't in the traditional sense of "business-like."

And therein lies the issue. Organizations of all kinds hire the best people they can find. Those folks look at the "people are our most important asset" blurbs in the corporate recruiting brochures.Then they  sign on with high hopes.

What happens later on that causes discontent, retention issues, and the need to search for "talent?" Weren't they talented when they were hired?

Here's what I see.

I see highly motivated people getting performance appraisals that are designed to force rankings on a curve so they never accurately portray an individual's contribution and worth. I see employees at all levels  getting feedback on the gaps in their performance--and then receiving direction to "close the gaps." I see the same people then coming to workshops and seminars, hearing theoretical--but good--teaching, only to go back to work and say "what do I actually do with that?"

In nearly 30 years of managing, consulting, and coaching, I can count on one hand the number of people I've seen fired for technical incompetence. They get released for issues of character,  the inability to relate well with other people, or not being able to "close the gap."

Here are my thoughts as a result:

1. The character issue can be discerned during the hiring process. Discernment should be a highly valued talent possessed by those interviewing.  If not, get a coach to help with that element. Someone who sees others clearly and quickly for who they are.

2. Relating well with other people. You can send people to class to learn some skills. My question is this: does the day-to-day interaction at work model, support, and reward good relationships? A coach can impact that issue--or help the individual see that another role--maybe even in another organization--would be a better match. It's the coach's job to see those things clearly and to help the other person gain the same clarity.

3. Workshops and Education. Two things I enjoy with a passion. None has ever changed my own behavior very much. But I have learned a lot that has helped me think differently and more clearly. When do they work? When a manager or coach shows someone how to actually do what was taught--in the context of the organization's strategies and culture.

Manager As Coach

Before you get the idea that this is a treatise on why you should hire me, let me propose this: Managers can coach if they choose to see their people clearly by building relationships that let them know who their folks really are. If they don't have the time or inclination, then get some help to build the talent that seems, at times, to be hiding. It's probably not hiding. It might just be invisible to the naked eye.

And that brings us back to the opening:

If you want your talent to be valued, you've got to let people around you know who you really are. Make it impossible for them not to see you clearly.

If you are a manager, start thinking about intentionally "seeing clearly." And if it's tough, then get some help.

You and I wouldn't build a house in the dark. We need light to see in order to build. And unless your a truffle, you need a lot of light in order to grow and use your talent to perform.

As always: weigh in. Share your thoughts on clarity, talent, and building people by seeing them clearly. Let the community learn from what you've learned. Click on Comments and join the discussion.

Source: allthingsworkplace.com

We like to talk about the importance of "vision", leadership, and change. When it comes to communication, visionary changes can be captured with images and big picture ideals; but behavioral changes need to be grounded in the specific.

Take-away for today: Make your changes specific so that people know what to do and can tell whether or not they got it right.

Things like Risk, Communications, and Strategic Decision-Making are great topics for philosophical conversation and painting the big picture. If you want people to change what they are doing, then you need to tell them what to do in a way that they can act on and know that they are doing it right. Here's what that looks like:

Item: Take more risks.

Example: "When you are deciding to open up a new sales territory, go ahead once you've determined that there is at least a 60% chance of success. Don't wait until 90%."

If I'm the individual, now I know what the rules are and how I can determine whether or not I did it properly.                        

Item: Communicate more, not less.

Example: "When you have new information regarding one of our customers in Sweden, send it out the same day to all of our business unit Sales Managers in Europe."

If I'm the individual, now I know what the rules are and how I can determine whether or not I did it properly.  

Change Management continues to captivate organizational leaders seeking to introduce "change" with as much acceptance and as little disruption as possible That's a good thing. There's always something new going on no matter where you work. Which makes it even more important to be able to do it and not just become captivated by the theories.

What's your experience with change initiatives?

One more time: Make your changes specific so that people know what to do and can tell whether or not they got it right.

 source: allthingsworkplace.com

Understandably, stress is regarded as a negative consequence of excessive pressure. However, the reason the body reacts to stress is due to its own protection system. When confronted with stress the body prepares itself for action. You may have heard it referred to as the "Fight or Flight" response. This reaction, which goes back thousands of years, prepares the body to either fight an adversary or run away.   This fight or flight reaction is obviously an asset to survival. In normal circumstances when confronted with a stressful situation, the fight or flight reaction is triggered. When the danger has passed, the body returns to normal. The problem comes when the stress response is being regularly triggered, without the body having time to recover in between. This leads to ill–health and exhaustion, and often physical and mental breakdown.

 

On the right is a description of the physical process the body triggers when under threat. This process is the fight or flight response. It is preparing the body for action. This response isn't unknown to any of us. Remember when you sat that big job interview, were waiting for your driving test, or even as a kid someone coming up behind you & pretending to push you off the wall you were sitting on? These sort of situations trigger the stress response. You may have read stories about people who, when their child is trapped, are capable of lifting huge weights (e.g. a car) in order to rescue them. This is a perfect example of the stress reaction and what it's for.

Adrenaline is released & pumped around the body Muscles tense for action The heart races Blood pressure rises Breathing becomes faster Liver releases fats and sugars for energy Sweating to cool core body temperature

 

What we must ensure is that our stress reaction isn't being triggered unnecessarily, or too often. The best situation of all is that we reduce our susceptibility to stress through our lifestlye and approach to stress. This preventative action is the ideal situation, as it means you will be less likely to suffer from stress, and when you do you will be able to handle it effectively. The rest of this course focuses on preventing stress wherever possible, and effective management of stress where prevention hasn't worked.

Source: http://www.bury.gov.uk/

Your best foot forward

The purpose of an interview in IT or elsewhere, is obviously to get a job offer. It is your opportunity to sell yourself and demonstrate in person the skills and experiences you've listed on your resume. Of course, it is also your opportunity to get to know a company's work environment, both technological and cultural.

The first thing you have to do is mentally prepare yourself for interviewing. Interviewing is a skill like any other -- it can be learned, but it requires a certain amount of practice. It's not every day that one goes on an important job interview, and those skills are not usually taught in college.

You want to remove the emotional anxiety that acceptance and rejection can evoke. Planning and preparation is the best way to do that. Find out as much as you can about the company you will be visiting. A company's website can offer a multitude of information, including the types of technologies in use at that company.   Get to know the company's background, history, revenues, number of employees, and product or service offerings.

Remember, a hiring manager is making an investment in you. It may take months of training to turn you into a productive employee, but you will be receiving a salary from day one. Therefore, your job during the interview is to convince the IT manager or recruiter that you would be a good investment. You will be expected to demonstrate not just your technical skills, but also your ability get along with coworkers, both in the IT department and in the company at large. You want to be as pleasant and personable as possible during the interview process.

Chemistry

Without the proper chemistry between you and the people you meet from one company, you will NOT get an offer, no matter how technically qualified you are. This factor is quite often overlooked on a conscious level, but it must be considered.

Chemistry is not something you manufacture. It happens naturally, but there are several things you can do. Project a positive attitude, warmth and friendliness. Smile occasionally, ask intelligent questions and listen carefully to the replies. Maintain eye contact at all times. Lack of eye contact implies dishonesty, an inability to communicate, arrogance or lack of confidence.

Use the interviewer's name in conversation occasionally. That single act will do more to endear you than you can imagine. People like to hear their own name. Using it shows respect and makes the person feel important. A slight amount of nervousness gives you an enthusiastic edge about yourself that will come across as genuine excitement about the job.

Establish common ground

Before doing any talking, take a quick read of the interviewer by noting the look and feel of their office, including artwork, furniture, evidence of children or hobbies. More importantly, notice features, such as body language, pace, manner of speech and so on. Sit at the edge of your chair, unless the interviewer noticeably backs away. Do not speak too much faster or slower than they do.

Make niceties. Comment on one of the personal effects in the office, or talk about a vacation spot you see in a poster or photograph. Compliment the interviewer on a nice office environment, but don't be fake. By the time you leave their office, you want your interviewer to be thinking, "I feel better when I'm with that person."

---

For anyone preparing for that all-important IT job interview, here are some questions to anticipate, and the responses that managers are looking for.

---

Q : "Tell me about yourself."

HINT : Talk about personal characteristics and skills that translate into career strengths.

A : "I love to jump into projects with both feet. I like sitting in front of a computer or at my desk for hours at a time thinking about a problem, plotting out the solution, making the presentation. Object-oriented technology [or any new technology] is my newest challenge."


Q : "What books and/or magazines do you read?"

HINT : Obviously, a technical or trade journal is one answer they are looking for. The books you've read tells the manager something about your personality.

A : Whatever you do, don't say, "I don't like to read."


Q : "What are your greatest strengths?"

HINT : Discuss specific assets the employer desires.

A : "Pleasant personality/politeness, loyalty, willingness to work hard, motivation, persistence, tenacity."


Q : "What were your favorite subjects in school and why?"

HINT : Of course, if your major is Computer Science you want to mention some of your computer science classes. You might mention other related subjects. For example, if you're interviewing at a financial services firm, you might discuss why you liked your accounting or finance classes. If you did any unusual or special projects in that area, you would bring that up now. Mention anything that shows a keen interest this employer's particular kind of work.

If you are interviewing at a software or integration consulting firm, somewhere during the interview you would want to mention that you truly enjoy working with people. To illustrate this point, mention any volunteer work or part-time jobs you might have held anytime in your life that involved interacting with people. For example, "I volunteered at a homeless shelter during the holidays giving out food." This shows that you genuinely care about others and like giving back to the community, and that you would go out of your way for a boss or a coworker.


Q : "How do you let off steam after you've completed a tough project? What do you like to do in your spare time?"

HINT : Managers like well-rounded employees; your answer to this question illustrates some of your personal qualities. If you can mention pastimes that would be an asset to the job you are seeking, so much the better. For example, a bridge player must possess valuable analytical skills. Whatever your favorite hobby is, strong outside interests round out your character.

A : "For relaxation I like to read a mystery novel, go swimming, go skiing, make pottery . . ."


Q : "Where do you plan to be in five years?"

HINT : Everyone hates this question, but everyone asks it. The traditional answer is "management." But in recent years companies have started to develop a technical career track. Many companies call this position "consultant" or "senior software engineer" or "staff engineer." Of course, any other management position that you think would interest you is also appropriate: product marketing manager, application manager for a particular project (in other words, a first-line manager), or any other position that requires a technical background. Employers like goal-oriented workers, so saying you don't know will turn a manager off.

A : The generic answer would be, "I would like to try the technical career track," or, "I want to follow the management career path."


Q : "What are your weaknesses?"

HINT : There are a couple of approaches you can take with the "weakness" question. Whatever you do, do not mention any true weakness, such as, "I have a hard time getting to work on time." The ability to answer the question properly is half of what the manager is looking for. One strategy is to give a personal weakness that is considered a professional strength.

A : "I'm so compulsive about my work, that I can't stop until the job is perfect." Another approach is to turn the question into a discussion of your current professional goals. Example: "I plan to improve myself this year by taking a class in public speaking." Choose a peripheral weakness -- one that you may really need to work on, but not one that would disqualify you for the position in question.


Q : "Why do you want to work here at XYZ Company?"

HINT : Be very careful with this one. If you've researched this company then you can say something specific, like "object-oriented relational database technology really turns me on." Showing that you have done some research marks you as a self-starter with a solid grasp of the big picture.

A : "I've been following XYZ's growth and I want a company that I can grow with. Your company is solid and stable, with a growth rate of X percent last year and a great competitive position" Or, "I like a start-up environment where I can really make a difference."


Q : "Why should we hire you?"

A : "Because I would be an asset to your organization. I'm loyal, tenacious, motivated, and I learn fast. I'm someone who could be very productive very quickly."


Q : "What motivates you?"

HINT : Whatever you do, do not say lots of money. We all know that money, power and recognition are all basic motivators. But you do not want to appear selfish. You want to appear intelligent and hard-working and interested in doing a good job, interested in giving rather than receiving. If you've held jobs while in college or during the summers, be sure to reach from those specific examples to illustrate the above.

A : "A job well done." "A challenge." "Interesting work/technology." Any or all of these answers work.


Q : "Tell me about a conflict you encountered and how you handled it."

HINT : This is one of the toughest interview questions of all. It's sort of a trick question, as a matter of fact. Never speak negatively about anyone. The ability to successfully resolve conflicts is important for all members of an IS team.. It may be the most important factor if you're working in a service environment, such as a large consulting firm that deals with outside clients. The answer you give here could go a long way toward getting you a job offer. Managers want to see that you are mature and unselfish. The answer should involve proof of your maturity level. They are looking for your ability to handle conflict. Compromise and working it out without external intervention are the keys. A disgruntled person is not going to be productive, and tends to bring down coworkers' morale as well.

A : "I sat down with the other person and asked what his issues were. Then I outlined my issues. We talked about which were the most important ones and which we could compromise on. We looked for the common aspects of our goals and placed those first. Then we decided together what to give up and what to keep, so that both parties felt they were winning something. Both parties were satisfied."


Q : "What changes have you made in your life that you are most proud of?"

HINT : This tells the manager more about your ability to take control of your life. It illustrates your leadership potential, and suggests just how promotable you might be. After all, if he produces a star, he looks good.

If you're interviewing at a service provider, you will probably be asked to lunch. Remember that you're being judged on whether you know how to make small talk with a client and your overall manners and social skills.


Q : "What are your salary requirements?"

HINT : The use of the word "offer" is critical. It's a subliminal message that an actual job offer is what you are discussing, not just your salary needs in general.

A : "Salary is not my primary consideration. Of course, I have to pay the bills. I'd be open to any reasonable offer." Pause and maintain direct eye contact, even if it seems like forever. Do not be the first one to flinch. Do not over-talk. Be prepared for a long silence. Let the manager be the first to present a figure. It will give you power and control.

If forced to give a specific number, never give a broad range -- you will usually be offered the low end. Instead, be as precise as possible: "I'd be open to something in the low-fifties (or mid-forties, high-seventies, whatever)." Giving such a specific number presumes you've researched the local job market and know what entry-level people with your skills are making.


Q : "Are you interviewing at any other companies?"

HINT : You want the manager to know that you're extremely interested in his opportunity, but are keeping your options open.

A : "Yes, Mr. X, but at this point XYZ is my first choice."


Remember, all of these interview questions have more than one appropriate answer. If you are feeling nervous about an upcoming interview, keep in mind that the hiring manager gets just as excited about a potentially strong candidate as the candidate does about him or her. Strong, qualified, motivated technical people are very hard to find. Be direct, but think before you speak, and you will surely get an offer.

 

Source: Janice Schooler Litvin

Sure, we all want to earn more. In particular, if you aren’t getting regular enough pay raises, you might actually be losing money to inflation. But, sometimes it’s tough to know the best timing and etiquette for negotiating your salary.

Here’s how to take your paycheck from meager to mega:

1. Know What You’re Worth And Ask A Bit Higher.

Start by figuring out the average range for your position. Don’t immediately ask for the salary you’re hoping to get; ask a bit higher. After all, your boss will likely try to negotiate you down. Norman Lieberman, a California-based salary expert and coach, suggests walking in with a very specific number in mind. By proposing a higher number, you can “split the difference” between your current salary and your asking number. For example, if you’re currently at $50,000 and want to be making about $55,000, ask for $59,500.

2. Talk Specifics.

Lieberman suggests that you enter the negotiations with a very specific number to show that you’ve put a lot of thought into the process. An even number, he says, might make it appear that you just pulled a figure from thin air.

3. Sell Yourself As An Effective Employee.

Set up a meeting in advance rather than grabbing your boss on her way to a meeting and stammering, “By the way…” Start by telling her how much you enjoy working for the company, and be prepared to explain why you deserve a raise. Talk about your recent accomplishments and how the company is benefiting from them. Whether or not you’re currently looking for a raise, always keep a private journal of your accomplishments. “So often,” Lieberman says, “people forget what they’ve done.”

Ask yourself these questions to quantify your contribution to the company:

• Have you saved your company time or money? If so, how much?
• Have you added to company profits through a client you brought on or an initiative you proposed? How much did you make the company?
• Have you exceeded the metrics your boss set when she hired you? (i.e. You were hired to increase web traffic by 100% but your projects increased traffic by 250%)
• What kind of projects have you taken on beyond the scope of your job?
• Are you the person that covers for your boss or someone else at the blink of an eye?

Be sure to bring any documentation of these numbers, whether in chart, graph, or spreadsheet form.

4. Prepare To Be Turned Down.

Be confident and ready, but also consider your strategy if your request is denied. Remember to remain gracious and dignified, no matter what happens. If your boss says that a raise isn’t right at the moment, think about whether there is anything else you can ask for, such as flexible work hours, profit sharing, paid time off, or tuition reimbursement.

5. Agree On A Time To Revisit The Topic.

Remember that “no,” is usually “no for now.” Agree on a time to revisit the topic with your superiors, whether it’s three or six months. It goes without saying that, in the meantime, you’ll want to work as hard as you can so you don’t give anyone a reason to say no.

6. Be Prepared For Possible Hostility.

Most bosses will respect employees who know their own value enough to ask for a raise. As long as you come in confidently and prove your point eloquently, there should be no harm done. However, before going to this meeting, make sure that you really do deserve a raise. If you ask for a raise when your boss is already unhappy with your work, be aware that she could use this as an excuse to finally cut the cord.

7. If You’re Really Not Ready For A Raise.

There will also be times that a raise just isn’t in the cards for you, says Lieberman. Perhaps the fault lies with the company culture or a reluctance to change, but you simply haven’t done anything that warrants a raise. If that’s the case, be honest with yourself. Shift your focus to creating new initiatives and excelling at your position. Consider asking your superiors, “Is there anything more I can do to add value to this company?” When you feel like you have truly made a difference, revisit the topic of a raise.

Asking for a raise can be highly nerve-wracking, but experience has shown that the highest salaries often go to those who know enough and have the confidence to ask.

Source: LearnVest Blog

Image via: SamsonOS

It happens to everyone: you’re sitting at your desk, staring into the distance, or out the window, silently kicking yourself because you know you should be working, but it’s just not happening. Every little distraction seems to be much more interesting than what you’re meant to be doing, yet turning your attention to the work at hand is easier said than done. This is even further accentuated when you’re working for a small company, starting your own business, or work from home.

Given that space can be a problem for a lot of people, deciding where to put your workstation can be difficult. It may feel natural to place your desk facing the wall or in a corner, but this can make you feel boxed in. Instead, position your desk so the outside is visible, but don’t face it directly into the window, have it at right angles so you’re not blocking the natural light, and won’t be easily distracted.

If the room lacks abundant natural light, paint the walls a light/neutral color, and try to set the lighting to the most natural level you can achieve. The temperature of the room is important, too. There’s no ideal set temperature; have what works best for you. Just keep in mind that if it’s too hot you’ll feel sleepy; too cold will make it hard to not focus on anything but the chill factor.

2. Invest in a Good Chair

Image: Ergomonic Rescue

If there’s one thing guaranteed to help boost your business, it’s a good comfortable work chair. Dodgy chairs often lead to dodgy backs, making working effectively almost impossible. It doesn’t mean you have to spend a fortune, it just means putting a bit of thought into it. Hard wooden dining table chairs, or flimsy fold-down chairs are rarely nice to sit on for a dinner party, never mind a whole day. Make sure you get one that’s adjustable, with lumbar support. And remember, what’s right for one person may not be right for another, so test a few out before you buy. Check out how your seat should be positioned too, good desk ergonomics are equally as important, to prevent stresses and strains on the body.

3. Make the Most of Your Workstation

Having your desk, chair and computer equipment at the correct height and layout for your body means you can prevent future posture problems, and improve your overall well-being, which will increase current and future work production. If you’re on the phone a lot, invest in a headset to avoid straining your neck; it will also free up your hands so you can do other things.

Cluttered Desk: Not Good

Image via: Dotloose

A cluttered desk or workstation makes it harder to find things and stay organized. Ensure all paperwork is filed within a reasonable time frame, i.e., weekly, but is still accessible, leaving you space to work.

Tidy Desk: Good

Image: midnightglory

4. Get in the Right Mindset

If you’re working from home, always have a shower first thing in the morning and have a set time to be at your desk. Try to steer clear of old track suit bottoms and holey T-shirts while you’re working. The comfort factor is tempting but dressing like you’re set for a day on the sofa instead of in the office will surely affect how you work.

One of the hardest parts of working at home is being surrounded by all of your home comforts. Try to walk into your office and metaphorically close the door to your home life.
Once you enter your office space, you should be in work-mode. Don’t worry about the breakfast dishes, the shopping or the washing. You wouldn’t be doing it if you worked in an office so why do it at home?

5. Put on Your Business Hat

Focus on your business acumen when at your workstation. Treat every email, phone call and chance client encounter/handshake with the same attention. They may be the building blocks of important future work connections.

6. Structure Your Day

Having a start, middle and finish to your day helps you focus for longer. It’s important to plan the day, too, for example, going through emails first thing in the morning, or working out the best time of day to do cold calls etc. But don’t spend too long on emails. Set yourself a time limit in the morning and then check them just once again in the afternoon. Too many people get waylaid by answering time-consuming emails that aren’t important. And, make a pact with yourself to never check time-draining social sites like Facebook during work hours. Yes, you.

7. Make a List

Image: Jayel Aheram

Have a to-do list, so you can check off each thing you need to do. This can be done as often (daily/weekly) as necessary; whatever works for you. Write the list in a diary and tick them off as you go or enter it into a project management database. Seeing them ticked off at the end of the day gives a sense of achievement, which in turn keeps you motivated.

8. Set Goals and Have Rewards

Having short- and long-term goals promotes accomplishment and helps you work towards achieving your aims, no matter how small or complex. What do you want to achieve? Sit down and create a list of what you want from your business, and where you want to be in X amount of weeks/months/years. You need to have something to look forward to once you have reached these milestones. Give yourself a pat on the back. Go out for a meal, theatre, drink etc. Do something that you enjoy.

9. Stand Out From the Crowd

Investigate how others in your profession are doing what you do. Know your competition! With that knowledge, develop an edge that makes you different from others, and more marketable. What are your best points? Promote these when selling yourself to potential clients. Use past experience for examples. If you’re starting afresh, tailor past experiences that may not necessarily be in your current line of work to suit the kind of work you are now promoting.

10. Maximize Your Image

Image: Ian Britton
It can be harder to make your business look professional when you’re starting out or working from home. To counteract this, meet clients in cafes, restaurants or at their place of work. Dress to impress. You don’t need to break the bank to do this, but try and wear attire that you think suits the people you are meeting with.

11. Utilize Your Software

There are so many tools within the standard computer programs that can help you save time but maximise productivity. For example, use the calendar function within your email and you‚Äôll get automatic email reminders of recorded events or meetings. It’s also a good idea to set up templates for emails you send regularly, or set up rules to filter certain mails into set folders. If you don’t already use them, set up macros (a set of actions you can use to automate tasks ‚ in certain programs you use frequently). They can be huge timesavers; even the simplest macros can benefit you immensely. Ask your friends or family for assistance, or take a course to help you improve.

12. Log Your Hours

If you’re a freelancer and are working for a few different companies it’s important to keep track of the hours you’re working for each one, and log the time. Not only do you have all your working hours documented so you can see how you’re spending your time, it gives your employer a bit of reassurance that even though you’re working from home, you’re still organized and reliable.

13. Stretch, Drink Lots of Fluids and Take Regular Breaks

Image: Lex in the City
This may seem obvious, but a lot of people don’t realise how important it is to follow these simple work rules. Stretching relaxes your muscles and boosts your energy. Drinking fluids, especially water, increases your brain activity. And taking a short break, even for a few seconds, rests your body from the rigidity of sitting in front of the computer screen. It’s especially important to look away, even for a few seconds, to rest your eyes. Take productive breaks that refresh you enough to stay focused on your work. And, always take a lunch break away from the desk. This should apply whether you’re working from home or in an office. On the whole, people are much more productive after a break away from their work space. Use the time to fit in some of your exercises, which will help to invigorate you for the afternoon ahead. And try to lay off the lunchtime booze, too.

14. Combat Loneliness

If you ask most home workers what they miss the most about working in an office, their answer will more than likely be, the people. We humans are a funny bunch, when we’re around people we want to be in our own space, when we have it, we crave human interaction. To avoid feeling isolated, make sure you meet up with people for lunch or an after work drink a couple of times a week, or use your lunch hour to make social calls.

15. Ignore the Weather

Image: sameold2008

It’s always incredibly tempting to take some sneaky time off when it’s hot and sunny outside. Well, who would know? The answer: you the next day when you find you’re way behind in your work and are having a mild panic attack because you know it will never be done in time. This means you stay up late to finish what you need to, your wonderfully-thought out timetable has gone out the window, and you end up cranky for the rest of the week because you still haven’t caught up on the sleep you missed. Don’t do it, it’s not worth it.

Source: www.bootstrappingblog.com

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting.

Attached: Extended Job Code List

Code Number	Explanation
5316	Useless Meeting
5317	Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318	Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319	Waiting for Break
5320	Waiting for Lunch
5321	Waiting for End of Day
5322	Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323	Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393	Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5394	Blaming Incompetence of Coworker Who is Not a Friend
5400	Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401	Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402	Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481	Buying Snack
5482	Eating Snack
5500	Filling Out Timesheet
5501	Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502	Waiting for Something to Happen
5503	Scratching Yourself
5504	Sleeping
5510	Feeling Bored
5600	Complaining About Lousy Job
5601	Complaining About Low Pay
5602	Complaining About Long Hours
5603	Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604	Complaining About Boss
5605	Complaining About Personal Problems
5640	Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701	Not Actually Present At Job
5702	Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102	Ordering Out
6103	Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104	Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200	Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201	Stealing Company Goods
6202	Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Files
6203	Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204	Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205	Hiding from Boss
6206	Gossip
6207	Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210	Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211	Updating Resume
6212	Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213	Out of Office on Interview
6221	Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222	Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223	Pretending You Like Coworker
6224	Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238	Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350	Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601	Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602	Complaining
6603	Writing a Book on Company Time
6611	Staring Into Space
6612	Staring At Computer Screen
6615	Transcendental Meditation
7281	Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400	Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401	Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402	Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403	Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404	Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405	Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406	Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419	Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7931	Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000	Recreational Drug Use
8001	Non-recreational Drug Use
8002	Liquid Lunch
8100	Reading e-mail
8101	Distributing humorous e-mails

 

---

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far…

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

…will take you.

Source: www.homegrown.org

• can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make when they go flying by.
• Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
• Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
• I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
• My reality check bounced.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
• You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter.
• I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Source: www.homebuilt.org

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry... we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "That's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Source: www.homebuilt.org

No interviewer expects “brutally honest answers like,’I'm below-average intelligence and difficult to work with,’” says a hiring expert quoted by the Washington Post.

So why do they ask this tough job interview question? “The intent of this question is to throw you off course,” says EmploymentDigest.net. Many positions require workers to think on their feet, and interviewers want to know if interviewees can do that.

There’s another, less confrontational reason for asking this interview question, according to the Washington Post:

[I]nterviewers say that even skewed answers can help reveal whether applicants possess key qualities such as self-awareness, humility, sincerity, zest, and skill in managing shortcomings and mistakes.

Of course, not every hiring manager wants to talk about candidates’ weaknesses. In November 2008, paylocity’s Tim Stall wrote in Net Developer’s Journal:

“If the interviewer cannot determine your weaknesses from normal interview questions, are they really weaknesses? It is part of the recruiter’s job to determine your weaknesses, and by directly asking you, they’re essentially asking you to do their job for them.”

But since there’s no way of knowing beforehand whether our interviewer likes or loathes this tough job interview question about weaknesses, job seekers must be ready with an answer.

 

Writing from Dublin, Ireland in 2006, Fortify Services founder Rowan Manahan sums up how it can feel to be confronted with one of the toughest interview questions, “What is your greatest weakness?”:

[I]t’s no wonder people dread job interviews. There you are in your best interview suit, with your shiniest shoes on, doing your best to sound credible, professional and enthusiastic and all the interviewer wants to do is lift up stones and see what crawls out.”

It’s hard enough that the “What is your greatest weakness?” question definitely puts you on the spot. Worse is that at least two prominent sources have offered somewhat conflicting advice on how to answer an interviewer who has lifted up that stone to see “what crawls out.”

Vault.com, for example, says in an undated article on the topic that, “Some HR managers suggested the old approach of naming a fault that’s not a fault”:

“I am impatient, and I like to get things done and done quickly and get frustrated when politics and red tape slow down projects,” was how a recruiting and staffing manager for a Florida-based trucking company answered.

 

What’s a job-seeker to do? The following three tips will help you not only answer this tough job interview question, but also take stock of the things you might want to work on improving in your next job.

1. Take a good look at yourself.

   This is where the old axiom, “Know Thyself” comes in.

   Look at those things you prevaricate and procrastinate on. Items you consistently shy away from doing. … Those parts of your job that you just don’t enjoy, feel inadequate performing, or know in your heart of hearts that others do better.

   What about something for which you would love to get training — to make that sense of inadequacy go away?

   Build a list of these Achilles’ heels.Think about things that used to be a problem for you in the past, but in which you have gained a measure of confidence now. Look at how you gained that confidence or redressed the problem. These insights will form the nucleus of your answer.

2. Research the company“Learn as much as you can about the employer you are interviewing with,” says EmploymentDigest. Tools like LinkedIn may well be able to connect you with information about the person with whom you’ll be interviewing, and you can use other online tools to pick up important tips about the company’s culture.

   At the very least, “If you know who you’re dealing with, you will be less likely to become uneasy during the interview process.” At best, this information can give you clues as to the best ways to frame your answer. Weaknesses that would truly be problematic in other company cultures may be viewed as unimportant or even as strengths.

   For example, having experienced difficulty managing subordinates in the authoritarian, military-discipline style expected at a prior job may be an asset at a company that prides itself on a softer touch and a more egalitarian and participatory management style.

3. Tell your story of how you overcame or are addressing this weakness.We have already covered the effectiveness of answering, “Tell me about yourself” with a story.

   A story answer that truthfully describes not only one of your weaknesses, but also how you’ve responded to it is a perfect fit for this question as well.

   For example, if you had difficulty with a particular task in your last job, but sought out training and/or worked at that task until you improved your performance, your interviewer will be impressed with your initiative and dedication — and it’s a decided bonus if that particular skill or knowledge is necessary for the job for which you’re interviewing.

   One executive interviewed by the Washington Post said that she “has impressed hiring managers by revealing that her inclination to quickly complete projects can cause errors, so she double-checks and proofreads all her work.”

You can never be sure exactly what will happen at an interview, but you can be prepared for common interview questions. Take time to think about your answers now. You might even write them down to clarify your thinking. The key to all interview questions is to be honest, and to be positive. Focus your answers on skills and abilities that apply to the job you are seeking. Practice the answers to these questions -

"Tell me about yourself."
Sounds simple, doesn't it? On the other hand, where do you start? The interviewer is looking for a quick overview of your career and your academics. What the interviewer doesn't want to hear is about your family, pets, hobbies, boyfriend/girlfriend, or the funny thing that happened to you yesterday. What they're really asking is, "Tell me about your professional self." The best way to answer this is to give a brief summary of your career so far, focusing on specific accomplishments. Try something like this: "My first job was as a receptionist at XYZ Corporation, but I was promoted after just three months. I worked my way up to sales manager for the Northeast. I doubled sales in the Northeast, and brought in ten new clients in my first quarter."

Finally, explain why you're looking for a job. But don't bad-mouth your current job or your boss; it will reflect poorly on you. Say something like: "Now I'm looking for a new challenge." This is also a good time to throw in some of the information you've learned in your research about the company: "I'm looking for a company with a dedication to preserving the environment and I believe your company offers that."

"Why do you want to work at this company?"
This is where you get to show that you have researched the company and you are more than just an average applicant. Relate something you learned about the company and explain why this attracted you to them. If the company has a commitment to the community, you might say you appreciate their commitment and that is what draws you to them. Or you understand that they are in a competitive battle with another major company and you relish the challenge of helping them carve out a bigger market share. If you heard about the job from a friend of family member, you could mention that person. But don't forget to include something that shows that they should want to hire you. "My friend has worked here for years and says it's a great company to work for with great people to work with. I think I could really contribute to your team."

"What did you like/dislike about your last job?"
This is a tricky one, because you don't want to come off as overly critical, petty, or a problem employee. If you say you hated dealing with the general public, you can be assured you won't be hired in retail sales or customer service. If you say you hated your boss, the interviewer will worry about you hating them someday. Keep your answer positive. If you mention something you disliked about the company, pair it with something you liked. Let's say that you worked as a receptionist, and your boss was condescending to you and never gave you anything interesting to do. You could say, "I enjoyed greeting the public, and I liked knowing that I could make a difference by giving people a great first impression of the company, but I felt that there wasn't room for me to contribute my organizational and teamwork skills. I'm ready for a position that offers more responsibility and more challenge."

"What is your biggest accomplishment?"
Be specific. Tell about one thing that you did really well. Preferably, talk about something that was recognized and rewarded by your boss. You could say something like, "I created a system to organize my boss's projects and deadlines, which often overlapped. He was so impressed, he told other managers in the group, and I ended up training the other secretaries to create similar systems for their bosses." If you are applying for a position that involves being part of a team, recount something you did as a member of a team, and talk about the teamwork and cooperation that was required.

"What is your greatest strength?"
Even if your greatest strength isn't business-related, find a way to relate it to work. Your greatest strength may be your ability to memorize lyrics to pop songs, but if you're applying for a job as a sales trainee, they won't really care. They will care that you have a great memory and are good at keeping information organized. If you're a great basketball player, talk about how well you deal with pressure and work as part of a team.

"What is your greatest weakness?"
The interviewer who asks this question is looking to see how honest you are with yourself, and how well you deal with your own shortcomings. Don't pretend you don't have weaknesses, and don't avoid answering the question. This is your chance to show that you are honest and take responsibility for your actions. A good way to answer this question is to mention your weakness, then tell what you have done to overcome that weakness. If you have been disorganized in the past, you could say, "I used to be very disorganized, always forgetting assignments and birthdays. But I managed to work out a computerized system of to-do lists and reminders that keeps me on top of everything."

"Do you prefer to work with others or on your own?"
This is a question you should have asked yourself before you applied for the job. The interviewer wants to make sure that you are appropriate for the job for which you are applying. If you're going to be part of a team, you should enjoy working with others. On the other hand, if you're going to be doing data entry, it might be a good idea if you enjoy working on your own. Remember, however, that companies don't want to hire workers who need constant handholding. A good answer might be, "I enjoy being part of a team and cooperating with others, but I also enjoy working on my own. At my last job, our team would meet to discuss our goals, then each work on our part of the project individually. There was a lot of communication and cooperation among the group, but I was responsible for completing part of the project on my own."

"What are your career goals?" or "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
The interviewer is wondering how dedicated you will be to the job and the company. If they are going to train you, they want to know that you aren't going to take the next job that comes along. On the other hand, most companies don't want to hire people who have no ambition at all. Even if you have no idea where you want to be in five years, don't say, "I don't know." Be positive. Say something like, "I hope to be in a position that continues to challenge me, and that allows me to use my skills and abilities to help the company reach its goals." Ideally, the job you're applying for is a step on your career ladder, so you can talk about the career ladder you've envisioned for yourself. Employers like to hear that you are interested in staying and growing with their company.

"Tell me about a time that you had a lot of work to do in a short time. How did you manage the situation?"
Here, the interviewer is looking for specific strategies that you use to manage pressure situations. Talk about prioritizing your work, cooperating with others, making to-do lists, breaking large projects into small batches, and taking care of your health so you could maintain your concentration.

"Have you ever had to work closely with a person you didn't get along with? How did you handle the situation?"
The interviewer wants to hear that you were able to put aside your differences and get the work done. They also want to hear that you are flexible, and can be sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. If you don't have a work-related example, talk about a school project, or about being part of a club and learning to get along with the various people in the club.

Meetings are a common occurrence in the workplace. And, they are usually looked upon with the same excitement as a visit to the dentist. If the mention of a meeting makes you cringe or scream out of boredom, you’re not alone. Whatever your thoughts are about meetings, throughout your working career you will definitely sit in or lead your fair share of meetings. But, meetings don’t have to be boring or unproductive. When it’s your turn to lead your next department or team meeting, keep these common mistakes in mind and make sure you do the opposite to save your co-workers from another painfully bad and unproductive meeting wasting their time.  

I don’t need an agenda for every meeting. Don’t bother with an agenda if you want to have an infective meeting that doesn’t stay on track. But, if you want a good meeting, having an agenda is a must. In order to get where you want to go, you have to know where you’re going. Come to the meeting prepared with how it’s going to flow and what topics need to be discussed by the team. This will help keep the meeting focused, give it direction, and help it begin and end on time.

It’s not necessary to schedule a meeting on the calendar. Your co-workers will just remember that you want to meet with them in two weeks, won’t they? Wrong. It’s important that you use Outlook or software your company uses to book your next meeting on every attendee’s calendar. If you just send attendees an e-mail alerting them of the meeting, there’s a good chance it will get lost in their inbox and never added to a calendar. This means you might have co-workers forget to attend the meeting. Always be sure to get the meeting on their calendar so that they can be reminded of it. 

The meeting room is always available. Don’t assume there will be a space available for you and your team when it comes time to meet. When you’re creating the meeting and inviting attendees, be sure to check for conference room availability. Go ahead and reserve that room for the correct day and time. Include yourself as the contact person in case any questions or conflicts arise.

The attendees know what the meeting topic’s about. It’s important to remember that people can’t read your mind, so they don’t know what you’re thinking. No one likes to attend a meeting where they don’t know what will be discussed. When scheduling your meeting and creating the invitation for your co-workers, let them know in advance what the focus of the meeting will be. Also, let them know if they need to bring anything specific to the meeting or if they have a specific task to perform at the meeting or beforehand.

Everyone has to be in attendance. You’ve probably heard the phrase, “the more the merrier,” but in meeting situations this is not always true. When you have too many people attending a meeting it can turn into a nightmare to manage. When you schedule a meeting, keep in mind that not everyone has to or needs to attend. Only invite those individuals who absolutely need to be involved in the discussion. This will help you get the greatest outcome out of your meeting time and your co-workers will appreciate you for valuing their time.

It’s OK to start the meeting a few minutes late. What’s just a few minutes going to matter? Just know that those minutes are valuable. When you’re leading a meeting, always start on time. When someone sets a meeting, it’s important to show up and start on time – not five or 10 minutes late. When meetings don’t start when they’re supposed to, they usually don’t end when they should either. Time is a precious tool for many these days, and there is usually not a lot to spare for late meetings.

Meetings don’t have to be horrible. You can break the “awful meeting” mentality by being great at leading your meetings. Remember, you don’t have to lead a meeting because your boss has always led them a certain way. Everyone leads differently, but follow these tips along with the 5 Ws of Successful Meeting Management to showcase your great leadership abilities and be the meeting manager your workplace can’t live without.

Source: Movin' On Up

When you’re in the workforce, a large part of your day – and your week – is spent on the job. And having friends in the workplace can help make your workday more enjoyable. When you have friends in the workplace, it gives you somebody to talk to, brainstorm ideas with, and generally helps improve your overall productivity. According to a survey in Business Wire, 70 percent of all individuals surveyed said friendships create a more supportive and friendly environment to work in, while 56 percent said it increases workplace morale.

Although some workplace friendships can transition into lifelong friendships outside of the office, other times they can backfire and cause more harm than good. When that happens, it can lead to feelings of awkwardness between those involved and have a negative impact on careers and office environments. When it comes to developing friendships in the workplace, you don’t have to avoid them. But, it is important to be a little cautious. So here are a few words of advice to help  keep your workplace friendships happy and healthy.

Remember there’s work to do. You and your co-workers have tasks and duties to perform throughout the day and you have goals to meet. Make it a point to not spend your day around the office cooler gossiping about what company news you’ve heard. If you want to talk and catch up on what’s going on with your office buddies, reserve a few minutes at the beginning of your day, go to lunch together, or talk at designated break times. Just keep in mind that too much socializing throughout the day, especially when there are deadlines to meet, can cause strain and stress on your team, your job, and your friendship.

Be careful about what information you share. If you hang out with co-workers outside of work, be careful about what personal information you share, especially if you don’t want that information shared with other co-workers. Also make sure you don’t talk about other co-workers, supervisors, or the company. Depending on how well you know that person, what you say could get back to the office.

Don’t let the friendship take advantage of you. With friendships in the workplace, you might run into a situation where a friend wants some help with their daily tasks. It’s fine to help them out, but within reason. If they need help with some software, want to bounce an idea off you, need to switch lunch hours so they can leave a little early for a doctor’s appointment, these are examples of when it’s OK to help. But, if they’re wanting you to help cover up a mistake for them, wanting you to give them less constructive feedback, or slacking on their productivity and asking you to take on some of their work, these are examples of no-no’s. Being friends does not mean playing favorites at work. You have a job to do and so do they.

Friends are great to have at work. Just remember that at work, you have to keep your actions professional because you have a job to do first and foremost. Apply these tips to your job to ensure you develop quality relationships with others in the workplace without adding to workplace frustrations.

Source: Movin' On Up

All your hard work has paid off. Your manager has noticed your attention to details, skills, and abilities. You are being promoted and will receive a pay raise and a new job title. Sounds good, right? Congratulations are in order, but if you are concerned about what your new promotion entails, here is some advice to help ease into the transition of your new job role.

Maintain open communication. Anytime you take on more work responsibilities, it’s natural to have some questions about your new role or need some guidance. In most situations, managers will give you time to get adjusted to the changes. To help ensure that you don’t fall behind on tasks, be sure to talk with your manager about things you don’t understand, prioritizing tasks, how you’re feeling about your new advancement, and the progress you’re making. Keeping the lines of communication open is important.

Set goals. In order to get where you want to go, you first have to know how to get there. This applies to your daily workload. When you take on more responsibility, more work naturally follows. Make an outline of your goals for the year, quarter, or month. What do you want to achieve in your new role? Talk with your manager regarding what your objectives are and what it is you want and need to accomplish. This is a way for you to track your success over time. It also allows you to quickly report on your progress to your team and managers. And, don’t forget to outline your goals for the week to help give you direction and manage your time.

Develop your skills. Although you have received a promotion, this doesn’t mean your career stops here – unless you want it to. When you get a promotion, it’s usually because a manager has recognized your outstanding work ethic. Continue this momentum after your promotion. Seek out new training and learning opportunities to grow your skills and gain more knowledge. Remember, “Knowledge is power – the more you learn, the farther you go!”  Some examples of ways to develop your skills include: reading blogs about your field of interest, subscribing to newsletters, attending monthly networking meetings or training seminars, or taking a class at a local vo-tech or college. Just be sure to discuss your training plan with your manager first. By staying motivated and driven, more opportunities are likely to come your way in the future.

These are some basic tips to help you continue to climb the career ladder. A promotion is usually a great sign that your employer respects and values your work and abilities. Whether you just received a promotion or one is in the future, use this information to help you reach the top.

Source: Movin' On Up

Source: Movin' On Up

When you think of working with upper management or executives in your company, does it make you feel slightly nervous or make your heart start to beat fast because they hold so much power over your career? When you get into the work world, there will be times when you have to interact with executives on projects. So, make the most of the opportunities to impress your company’s management with these tips.

Be respectful of executives and their time.
When it’s time for you to meet with the vice president of marketing or the director of operations, be sure you are prepared for the meeting. People who work in upper level positions have a lot to focus on and a lot of meetings to attend. So, don’t waste their time. If the leader requests the meeting, ask in advance about what you need to bring. Be sure to research your topic of discussion, identify key talking points, and prepare a PowerPoint, Excel spreadsheet, graph, or document for the meeting as needed. Prepare questions you need answers to. Make it a point to be over prepared and have more knowledge about the meeting than you plan to use. And, always thank them for their time at the beginning and end of each meeting.

Reserve time on their schedule.
As mentioned above, managers and executives are busy. Be sure to reserve the appropriate amount of time on their calendar for your meeting with them. You may need to coordinate with an administrative assistant. If so, be sure to go through the right channels to book the correct time and space needed to meet. You can’t just walk into an executive’s office whenever you want to meet. To get their full attention and ensure uninterrupted time, be sure they receive and accept a meeting request. You may also want to follow-up with their assistant on the day of the meeting to make sure they are on schedule. Be flexible with your time when dealing with executives because something might happen prior to your meeting that requires you to reschedule with them for a later time.

Know how to address them. 
Do you address executives formally as Mr., Mrs., or Miss, or do you call them by their first name? This is something that may differ across the board depending on your company’s culture. At times, you might have an executive who is really personable and likes to joke around with everyone. But, if you address them informally, it could be offensive to them. You might have a Generation X manager who is more laid back and wouldn’t ever dream of anyone addressing them with a formal title. To be on the safe side, always address executives formally on the first meeting. From there, they can let you know a little more about their personality and specifically how to approach them in the future. After your meeting with them, if you’re still not sure how to address them, follow the lead of those around you, and when in doubt, be more formal. 

Always be honest and act with integrity.
When you’re in a meeting with upper management or executives, always be honest about what you know and don’t know. If, for example, someone unexpectedly asks you to report on the specifics of a project or how much something will cost and you don’t know the answer, don’t try to make something up to look good. Be up front and honest and let them know you don’t have the answer for them, but that you will research it and get back to them quickly. In most cases, they will respect you for your candor. Either way, it’s better to be honest than to fudge the truth and get found out later. 

Know your next plan of action when you leave the meeting.
Before the meeting is over, make sure you are aware of the next steps you need to take to complete a project. Know your key action items and any upcoming deadlines. If you are not clear about something, ask for clarification before the meeting is over. If you have any questions, be sure to ask. Sometimes you might be fearful of asking an executive a question because you’re afraid of what they will think of you. But, by speaking up and asking thoughtful questions, you’re letting them know you want to do a good job.

It’s important to realize that although those in upper management and executive positions hold some significant power within the company, they are still people too. There’s no reason to get worried about interacting with them. If you do get the opportunity, it is a sign that your employer trusts you and respects your work, and it’s an opportunity to learn from the very best in your organization.

Source: Movin' On Up

You agreed to lead staff meeting this morning. It’s your day to go on a lunch run for everyone. You have a conference call with a client right after lunch. You have three back-to-back meetings from 2:30 to 4 p.m. You agreed to help distribute the office mail. And, to top it all off, you’re working the weekend shift to help out a co-worker who’s sick. Just the thought of all you have to do is overwhelming. It’s not a bad thing to want to be a “super employee,” but when you try to take on everything by yourself, you quickly start to feel like you have too much to do and not enough time to get it all done.  If this sounds familiar, you could be overcommitted at work.

Juggling tasks and demands is a big part of any job in any workplace, and the art of time management is an important skill to have as an employee. But, when you get bombarded with projects, how many times do you agree to do something else when you’re already maxed for time? To effectively manage your workday, you have to learn the art of saying one little word: “no.” Although “no” can be a scary word to say, it’s much worse to over promise and under deliver. The art of saying “no” is all about how you approach it and how you say it. Here are some tips on how to make your “no” effective when you can’t say “yes” to everything.

Track your project workload. Always know what projects you’re working on, when they’re due, and how much time you’re spending on them. This keeps you aware of what projects you have already said yes to and whether or not you can take on anything else. If your boss wants to assign you four new projects with an immediate deadline by maintaining a project list you can show him whether or not that can be accomplished with your current workload. If it’s not, ask if you can work out a new project deadline so you can have the necessary time to make the project the best it can be, rather than doing something quickly and filled with errors.

Know your job priorities. What key tasks are you responsible for in your current job? In your job description, what goals were outlined for your career? Those goals and projects are usually your main focus. But, you will have times where you do need to help out a co-worker with some of their tasks or take on a special project that has nothing to do with your job. It’s never OK to use the excuse of “that’s not part of my job.” A team does have to give and take, but if special projects are taking over your work schedule and you’re not able to complete your core tasks, something needs to give. For instance, if a manager asks you to pick up their dry cleaning, it might be time to have a chat with your boss about what projects you can gracefully decline. If someone other than your manager asks you to take on a project, tell them, “thank you, but I will have to check with my manager before I know whether or not I can do this project.” If you don't know what the priorities are for your job, check out the Tough Conversations podcast series to learn how to approach your manager.  

Maintain your ethics. In the workplace, not everything you do is going to get you ahead of the game. Never under any circumstances should you do anything that compromises your integrity. For example, if a co-worker asks you to lie to your manager to cover up a mistake she made, that definitely justifies saying “no.” Sometimes saying “no” may make you the unpopular person, but it’s better than jeopardizing your values and losing your job. Don’t let individuals bully you into saying “yes” to something that’s against company policy or makes you feel uncomfortable. If someone asks you to do something questionable or illegal, tell them “no” and explain that you feel uncomfortable with that. If you continue to be asked to perform that task, contact your HR department.

Keep things relevant. Obviously if you don’t know how to do something, don’t just agree to take it on. If you find yourself in the situation of not knowing how to complete a project because you don’t have the skills, let your manager know your concerns. It’s better to decline the project rather than try to take it on and hurt your career in the process. Most managers and co-workers would be appreciative and understanding of what you can and cannot do. Instead, they should look at that as a learning process for you under the guidance of someone more experienced. In the event that this happens to you, explain that you would like to take on the project, but do not have the necessary skills to complete it. You could also let them know you’re interested in learning how to do that particular job, but you would feel comfortable with some training or supervision first. 

“No” doesn’t have to be a bad word, as long as you can logically show why that is the best answer in a situation. Just keep in mind that as you continue to grow and develop in your profession, you will be expected to take on more duties. As your schedule gets busier and your projects increase, be sure you’re in control of your projects and your workday so they don’t control you. Follow these basic tips to empower you to say “no” when necessary.

Source: Movin' On Up

Today it seems impossible to find someone who doesn’t have a cell phone of some kind. It’s also becoming impossible to find someone who’s not on their phone all the time. Your company may or may not have policies that forbid cell phones at work, so be sure you know the rules. If your company does allow you to have cell phones at work, there are some important things you need to be aware of. In a recent survey conducted by Express on smart phones versus workplace etiquette, 59% of voters said that most people are irresponsible with their smart phone use while at work. Phones can be an easy distraction, but follow these tips to help stay focused on the tasks at hand during your work day, and make sure your phone doesn’t become a distraction.

Keep it quiet. When you get to work, turn your cell phone to silent or vibrate mode. This will prevent your ringtone – however great you think it might be – from blaring across your workplace, alerting everyone that you’ve got an incoming call.

Limit your personal phone calls. If there is a reason you have to accept or make a personal phone call at work, keep it short and sweet. Don’t make too many personal calls at work because that will take time away from doing your job and might create a negative situation between you and your manager.

Excuse yourself. If you work in close proximity with your co-workers, like a cubicle, and do get a personal phone call, quietly step out to take it. Go to a quiet spot where you can possibly shut a door to keep your conversation private. Having a phone conversation could distract your co-workers and not everyone in your workplace wants or needs to hear your conversation.

Keep it tucked away. It’s not necessary to take your phone with you everywhere you go throughout your work day. Unless you are expecting an emergency phone call from someone, it is better to leave your phone in a secure place, like your desk, keys, or locker.  If someone does call and you’re away, they can leave you a message and you can call them back at a later, more convenient time. By leaving your phone behind during a meeting, it won’t be a distraction to you or others if someone calls you.

Create texting ground rules, too. Different generations have different expectations, so be mindful of others’ communication preferences. Be mindful that when you’re engaged in face-to-face conversations with co-workers, it’s important to give them your full attention. Make it a rule to not text at the same time you’re speaking with them.

Be cautious about smartphone apps. Smartphones are growing in popularity, and what they are capable of doing is quite impressive. With a smartphone, you have the ability to download applications for games such as Words with Friends – a scrabble game you can play with co-workers – or for social media tools such as Facebook and Twitter. However “cool” these apps might be, they can cost your employer a lot of money in lost productivity if you’re more focused on your smartphone through the day than your job. Be responsible with your time while on the job and save your smartphone fun for your free time, such as lunch, breaks, or after work.  

It’s important to know about cell phone etiquette in the workplace. Always be aware of your personal phone usage and be sure that you’re getting your work completed first and foremost.

Source: Movin' On Up

As an employee, you need specific tools to get your daily work done. Pens, highlighters, notepads, staplers, folders, and the list goes on and on. Maybe your company provides you with these supplies. Maybe your company doesn’t. Either way, here are a few tips to keep in mind about workplace office supplies that will help you keep the peace at work, maintain good relationships with your co-workers, and avoid asking the question, “Um, excuse me … have you seen my stapler?”

If you have to borrow something, ask first. Maybe you really can’t find your stapler and you do need to borrow one for a major stapling project. Before you grab the first one you see, be sure to ask if you can borrow it. It’s important to be respectful of your co-workers’ desk space – it’s their territory. Keep in mind how you would feel if you went to grab your tape dispenser only to discover that your co-worker borrowed it a few days ago. To avoid workplace drama, it’s always better to ask to borrow something, especially if it’s for an extended period of time.

Return what you borrow. The rule of thumb to remember is that if you borrow something from one of your co-workers, be sure to return it back to them in a timely manner AND in the same condition it was in before you borrowed it. Be respectful of others’ property.

Don’t take office supplies home. If your company keeps you stocked with office supplies, that doesn’t mean you can take some home for your personal use. It’s easy to drop a pen in your purse or put one in a pocket and walk out of the office with it. But, after time, those little things start to add up and can start costing your company big bucks. Make it a point to keep your office supplies at the office and purchase your own personal office supplies to use at home.

Learn the policy for re-ordering. So, what do you do when there are no more tissues or you can’t find a highlighter in your entire workplace? Is there someone in your office who’s in charge of buying more office supplies for the whole team? Or is it an every man for himself mentality? Be sure you know what to do so that when you run out of sticky notes you don’t get stuck empty handed.

Label items you bought. If your work doesn’t pay for your office supplies, label the items you buy. Put your initials in marker on the bottom of each item, that way if something does get lost, others will know that it belongs to you. This will help prevent debates about who owns what. 

Office supplies seem like such a minor part of the workday, but employees can be a little particular when it comes to these tools. Keep these tips in mind to help ensure your workday runs smoothly.

Source: Movin' On Up

In the workplace, there may come a day when you need to create a project proposal. Maybe you think your company needs a weekly brainstorming meeting. Maybe you have developed a new filing system. A project proposal is a detailed description of activities targeted at solving a problem – from beginning to end and everything in between. If you need to create a project proposal, start with an outline the five W’s of the project –who, what, when, where, and why – as well as outline the how. Creating a proposal helps explain a project to others, gets buy-in, and helps ensure a project of quality and efficiency. So, keep these tips in mind when you’re creating a project proposal.

Justify your reasoning for the project. You can’t just create a project because you think it will be fun. You need to be able to give reasons and examples of how this project could improve or impact business. Outline what value the project will bring to your company, how the project fits into the overall scheme of what your company does, how it will impact you and your co-workers, and the anticipated outcome.

Create a timeline. After you present a brief overview, break the project down into smaller, more manageable pieces and shows your commitment to the details. Doing so provides organization to your project. You can either break a project down step-by-step or divide it into different phases. It’s also important to assign deadline dates to the project to ensure that the project is created and implemented in a timely manner. The dates that you set should be realistic. Allow enough time for a quality product to be produced, but don’t allow so much time that months or years down the line there is still no end result to show.

Outline financial costs and human resources. It’s also important to estimate how much you think the project will cost. This will include such things as employee time and supplies. Projects can range from needing a very small budget to a large budget, so review the budgets of previous projects completed on a similar level to get a more accurate estimate. It’s also not a bad idea to talk to your manager about what seems realistic for a budget on your project.

Implement a follow-up plan. Once you have all the basics for your project outlined, it’s time to think about how you would measure the results to ensure you’re meeting your goals. Be sure to list out how you would track results and how often you would conduct tracking. The goal of this is to make sure your project achieves the desired results that you hoped for and to determine if you’re addressing the goals.

These are some basics of creating a project proposal. In general, when you take more time in the planning process, the more sound and structured a project will be. Also, doing this communicates to your boss that you believe in your project and want to make it the best it can be. Most bosses would look at this as a sign of leadership, drive, and determination – all good quality’s to have in today’s workforce.

 

Source: Movin' On Up

All your hard work has paid off. Your manager has noticed your attention to details, skills, and abilities. You are being promoted and will receive a pay raise and a new job title. Sounds good, right? Congratulations are in order, but if you are concerned about what your new promotion entails, here is some advice to help ease into the transition of your new job role.

Maintain open communication. Anytime you take on more work responsibilities, it’s natural to have some questions about your new role or need some guidance. In most situations, managers will give you time to get adjusted to the changes. To help ensure that you don’t fall behind on tasks, be sure to talk with your manager about things you don’t understand, prioritizing tasks, how you’re feeling about your new advancement, and the progress you’re making. Keeping the lines of communication open is important.

Set goals. In order to get where you want to go, you first have to know how to get there. This applies to your daily workload. When you take on more responsibility, more work naturally follows. Make an outline of your goals for the year, quarter, or month. What do you want to achieve in your new role? Talk with your manager regarding what your objectives are and what it is you want and need to accomplish. This is a way for you to track your success over time. It also allows you to quickly report on your progress to your team and managers. And, don’t forget to outline your goals for the week to help give you direction and manage your time.

Develop your skills. Although you have received a promotion, this doesn’t mean your career stops here – unless you want it to. When you get a promotion, it’s usually because a manager has recognized your outstanding work ethic. Continue this momentum after your promotion. Seek out new training and learning opportunities to grow your skills and gain more knowledge. Remember, “Knowledge is power – the more you learn, the farther you go!”  Some examples of ways to develop your skills include: reading blogs about your field of interest, subscribing to newsletters, attending monthly networking meetings or training seminars, or taking a class at a local vo-tech or college. Just be sure to discuss your training plan with your manager first. By staying motivated and driven, more opportunities are likely to come your way in the future.

These are some basic tips to help you continue to climb the career ladder. A promotion is usually a great sign that your employer respects and values your work and abilities. Whether you just received a promotion or one is in the future, use this information to help you reach the top.

Source: Movin' On Up

References are a vital part of your job search because they can attest to the quality of work you do and your work ethic. Your references should usually be individuals who are familiar with your work history and know enough about you that they can give valuable and detailed feedback to a potential employer. When possible, your references should also be people who are influential in your industry. Some examples of possible references you could use include former bosses, professors, supervisors, co-workers, and customers.

Once you’ve compiled a list of people who meet the qualifications and you are sure they will represent you well, you need to ask them if they’d be willing to be a reference for you. If you’re a little unsure on how to approach a potential reference, check out these tips to help get you started.

Contacting them? Phone calls, e-mails, or lunch meetings are all great ways to contact someone to be your reference. But, consider your relationship with a potential reference when deciding the best way to ask them. For example, if you aren’t on a first name basis with a former professor, or if you know their schedule is very busy, then meeting for lunch might not be the best option. Sending an e-mail and following up with a phone call might be a better option.

If you have a mentor, consider making a phone call to them rather than sending an e-mail because chances are you know them well and a phone call allows you to be more personable. There are many ways to contact a potential reference, so be sure to pick the one that’s right for the relationship you have with the individual.

What do I say? When asking someone to be a reference, there is specific information you want to make them aware of. Tell them why you chose them as a reference, what career choice you have chosen, and which potential employers might be contacting them. Give them a copy of your résumé and go over it with them. Be sure you have their correct contact information, company, and title. Also make a sidenote of how they prefer to be contacted. Inform them about what you have been up to and what you’re currently doing. Remember, the more information you give them the easier it is for them to recommend you to a potential employee. And make sure you thank them if they are willing to be a reference for you.

How do I follow up? After you’ve gotten permission to use someone as a reference, send them a thank-you note. This simple gesture will show them how thoughtful you are and will let them know you are grateful for their influence and impact in your life.

A good reference can go a long way to helping you land your dream job. So make sure you provide them with the information they need to give you the best recommendation possible. And, be sure you follow up to let them know how much you appreciate their willingness to be an advocate for you.

 

Source: Movin' on up

Ever pulled an all-nighter?

Maybe you had an exam to study for…maybe you had a presentation to create for your boss’ big meeting…or maybe you were just having too great a time to leave the club before 4 am. The next day, maybe you drank some coffee…or chugged a few RockBullMonster drinks to kick start it all over again.

Would you work drunk?

Though a few of us may be sleep mutants [see article] the rest of us all know we should get a solid 7 or 8 hours a night. But when there are other things to do sleep sometimes seems dispensable. And that’s when the trouble starts. Going without sleep for 24 hours—or getting only 5 hours a night for a week—can have the same effect as having a blood alcohol content of 0.1 percent according to research at Harvard University.

We don’t expect someone to get behind the wheel of a car impaired and perform effectively.  And yet, behaviors creating the same effect are often celebrated in the workplace or in school as demonstrating commitment and dedication.

And while no one suggests that hard work and dedication are the wrong things to celebrate, it may be that we overlook the downside of a commitment to being  ’on’ 24/7.

It seems clear from the work of Harvard’s Charles Czeisler and others that failing to get adequate sleep builds a cumulative imbalance that impairs performance and that makes much of the quantity of our work of inferior quality.

Sleep it off?

As in any behavior with potentially negative consequences, the first step is to recognize the issue.  If you find yourself having to stay up later than usual, or starting to get fewer hours of sleep than you know you should, that’s precisely the time to proactively make time for sleep.

If you find yourself having a hard time concentrating at work or making lots of small mistakes, you might already be working under the influence of sleepless nights. If you aren’t getting 7 to 8 hours a night consistently, the sleep imperative will only grow larger.

When the pressure’s on in these situations, several tactics might help:

• smart napping,
• modified nighttime routines, and sleep diaries
• attention to diet [for example avoiding extra caffeine, vending machine snacks and alcohol] and exercise [getting some]

These are all means to help you transcend the temporary temptation to forego sleep.

In the long term, though, there is no substitute for a taking control and dedicating yourself to healthy sleep habits. Research has shown a strong relationship between lack of sleep and health problems like cardiovascular disease, diabetes, obesity…even death!  Your workplace will certainly be better if you are there healthy and alive.

Do you have a personal experience with chronic sleeplessness impacting your work or school? Please share it in the comments.

 

SOurce: blog.sleepingsimple.com

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair. Source: comedy-zone.net

It's been a while, but we're back.  It was definitely not for lack of cubicle stories that we weren't posting new entries - sadly it was due to an abundance of worked combined with the holidays.  But the old man dressed in red is gone for another year, and we've managed to bull shit our way through all of the work we've had.  So with that being said, allow me to tell you a story of one person that drives me crazy in my office.  The person in question?  Mr. Talks Out Loud. Now when it comes to thinking out problems and coming up with great solutions I am a huge fan of anything that works.  When I'm trying to learn something in the comfort of my own home, a lot of times I will read things out loud because it helps me comprehend it better.  But you know what I don't do?  I don't just randomly talk out loud in the office.  There are names for people that do that.  I like to think that 'crazy-person' sums them up nicely.  If you were to be sitting on the bus and the person next to you started talking to himself like he was asking you questions, would you say that is a normal person?  I personally, might try talking back to them in a language I made up.  See what happens.  Roll the dice.  Hope they don't have a knife. What makes this guy worse is that he doesn't just mumble the conversation to himself - he literally speaks it.  Normal tone, normal volume - hence I have to look over and see what the hell is going on.  If he isn't talking to himself, he is singing. Not a song per say.  More like random words thrown together to a tune that I'm sure has something to do with the apocalypse.  It's nearly impossible to actually think, let alone work, when this is happening.  So what do you think I should do in this situation?  I've just about had my wicks end. First I thought that maybe, just maybe I could go over and ask him to stop.  But then I look at this poor bastard and think - maybe if I tell him to stop the voice in his head might take over.  What if that voice is going to tell him to jump through the window?  Do I want that on my conscious?  Second thought was maybe if I start doing the same thing he will realize that it's a distraction and that he is totally insane.  I quickly realized that there is a good possibility that he might take this as me being one of his own.  I do NOT want to be thought of as one of his own.

So, here I am, sitting at work right now.  Listening to a conversation on what he should do for lunch, followed by a song that scares me more than anything else in the office.  Who is this insane person?  How did they get this job?  Did they hire themselves?  Maybe they are pulling a Kramer from Seinfeld and just showing up at the office with a briefcase full of crackers.  It's scary - but quite possibly true.

source: TheCubilcleBlog.com

Who are they?  You get up a little earlier in the morning so that you can pack your lunch.  You get your main meal, a snack, maybe an apple and take it to work.  Once you're there you put the meal in the work refrigerator and go off to your desk.  When lunch time rolls around you go to get your lunch and BAM it is missing most of its major components.  Did the Hamburglar get you?  Were you that tired that you only thought you packed the rest of the food?  No, this is due to the Lunchtime Looters. I have personally never had anything stolen from the work refrigerator.  However, I am confident that I have seen people stealing someone else’s food.  It is pretty easy to tell when someone is double checking the room every 2 seconds to make sure that nobody new is in the break room.  But I need to know.  Why do they do it?  Is it their inner bully coming out?  Maybe the spent all of their money on that Porsche outside and they can't afford their own cookies.  I just don't understand why people steal from the office fridge. Say that for some reason I started noticing my food disappearing.  I can almost guarantee what I would do.  It's called Operation:Poison.  My lunch would be so attractive that even the eighty year old secretary would want some...better she wants some of the cookies than some of my package...but I digress.  The highlight of the lunch would be a delicious looking bag of chocolate chip cookies.  Baked with care, love, and just enough laxative that I might figure out who ate them.  I can almost hear the painful screams of the Lunchtime Looter. I'm sure there are other ways to make this person feel horrible.  Maybe start putting pictures of your children on all of the food.  If you don't have kids...find a picture on the internet and slap that on the food.  Put a little piece of paper on the food that says "May contain arsenic." or "Secret ingredient is for you".  I think the best would be catching them in the act and giving them a Terry Tate tackle.  Maybe I'm just violent...I don't know.  But revenge can be sweet and I highly suggest it.  What would you do?

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source:cubicleblog.com

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, “how heavy is this glass of water?” Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.”

“If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” He continued, “And that’s the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.”

“So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don’t carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can.” “Relax; pick them up later after you’ve rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

* If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve a warning to others.

* Never buy a car you can’t push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

* Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are differen colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day!

source : www.e-Forwards.com

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE … enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to… something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE … a youth she’s content to leave behind…. a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her old age…. a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra… one friend who always makes her laugh.. and one who lets her cry… A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…. eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored… A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .. a feeling of control over her destiny… how to fall in love without losing herself.. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship…. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…… when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… that she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.. that her childhood may not have been perfect…but it’s over…. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…. how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. . whom she can trust, whom she can’t, and why she shouldn’t take it personally… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… where to go… be it to her best friend’s kitchen table… or a charming Inn in the woods… when her soul needs soothing… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… What she can and can’t accomplish in a day… a month…and a year… source: e-forwards.com

1. The art of listening One of the first skills of a conversation is the art of listening. 2. When to speak Keep in mind when to speak and when not to.  This is doubly important when you are facing more than one interviewer. 3. The information you provide Quality over quantity Concentration and focus are quite important. 4. Provide Facts 5. Relevancy focus on relevancy. 6. A team player Make it clear to the  interviewers that you are a team player. 8. Future plans 9. Honest answers 10 . Know your strengths source: e-forwards.com

Hahahaha how much !!?

“I’m not wanted in this state.”

“How many young women work here?”

“I didn’t steal it; I just borrowed it.”

“You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!”

“I’ve never heard such a stupid question.”

You look just like my old boss. I hated my old boss! Have you got a light? You want me to do WHAT!!? Do you mind if I take my clothes off ? Do you mind if I remain standing ? source:email-forwards.com

Cartoon About Life In A Cubicle This funny cartoon is very well done. It is about a little man who has all kinds of crazy adventures in his cubicle at work.

My Fellow Employees, It has come to our attention that employees may be taking too much time off from work. As such we have instuted the following policies for all employees to follow. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1,  July 4 & Dec. 25 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. Signed The Management source: www.jokersrevenge.com

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook. About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes". Source: wwww.jokersrevenge.com

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees. Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated. Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period. If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with time paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied your picture will be taken. The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions. source: www.jokersrevenge.com

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. A little ignorance can go a long way. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. source: www.funfacts.com.au

Apple Computers It was the favourite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was three months late in filing a name for the business, and he threatened to call his company Apple Computers if the other colleagues didn't suggest a better name by 5 O'clock. CISCO It is not an acronym as popularly believed. It is short for San Francisco. Compaq This name was formed by using COMp, for computer, and PAQ to denote a small integral object. Corel The name was derived from the founder's name Dr.Michael Cowpland. It stands for COwpland REsearch Laboratory. Google The name started as a joke boasting about the amount of information the search-engine would be able to search. It was originally named 'Googol', a word for the number represented by 1 followed by 100 zeros.After founders - Stanford graduate students Sergey Brin and Larry Page presented their project to an angel investor, they received a cheque made out to 'Google' Hotmail Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the web from a computer anywhere in the world.When Sabeer Bhatia came up with the business plan for the mail service, he tried all kinds of names ending in 'mail' and finally settled for hotmail as it included the letters "html" - the programming language used to write web pages. It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL with selective uppercasing. Hewlett Packard Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the company they founded would be called Hewlett-Packard or Packard-Hewlett. Intel Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company 'Moore Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a hotel chain so they had to settle for an acronym of INTegrated ELectronics. Lotus (Notes) Mitch Kapor got the name for his company from 'The Lotus Position' or 'Padmasana'. Kapor used to be a teacher of Transcendental Meditation of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. Microsoft Coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was devoted to MICROcomputer SOFTware. Originally christened Micro-Soft, the '-' was removed later on. Motorola Founder Paul Galvin came up with this name when his company started manufacturing radios for cars. The popular radio company at the time was called Victrola. ORACLE Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a consulting project for the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency). The code name for the project was called Oracle (the CIA saw this as the system to give answers to all questions or something such). The project was designed to help use the newly written SQL code by IBM. The project eventually was terminated but Larry and Bob decided to finish what they started and bring it to the world. They kept the name Oracle and created the RDBMS engine. Later they kept the same name for the company. Sony It originated from the Latin word 'sonus' meaning sound, and 'sonny' a slang used by Americans to refer to a bright youngster. SUN Founded by 4 Stanford University buddies, SUN is the acronym for Stanford University Network. Andreas Bechtolsheim built a microcomputer; Vinod Khosla recruited him and Scott McNealy to manufacture computers based on it, and Bill Joy to develop a UNIX-based OS for the computer. Yahoo! The word was invented by Jonathan Swift and used in his book 'Gulliver's Travels'. It represents a person who is repulsive in appearance and action and is barely human. Yahoo! Founders Jerry Yang and David Filo selected the name because they considered themselves yahoos source:www.bero.com

• Were you BORN this stupid? Or did it just take years of practice?
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• The beatings will continue until morale improves
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• Busy, you thought busy was a policeman.  "In England for some reason, they call the policeman busy
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• It's nice to see that you're not satisfied with people JUST THINKING you're an idiot.
• I'm not anti-social. I'm anti-YOU.
• I'm not anti-social. Society is anti-me.
• Would you like me to chew your food for you while I'm at it?
• Wait, you mean I actually have to WORK at work??
• Here's a quarter. Go forth. Be Happy.
• It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
• I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• No, my powers can only be used for good.
• You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
• Who me? I just wander from room to room
• And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
• Do I look like a freaking people person?
• This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting. (yeah, and it's called my office)
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
• You!... Off my planet!
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• A PBS mind in an MTV world.
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

SOurce: www.bero.com

From my experience what I have seen is that - if an employer wants to have for example a 6 hour interview, then tell them that you can't do 6 hours at a stretch because you are busy and that you could split the time into three sessions.  This actually has helped me perform much better at interviews and this is how :  the shorter sessions are less tiring and you are mind is much sharper and fresher, if you have missed a few questions in the first sessions then you can brush up on those topics during the next few sessions.  You can also gauge based on the job requirements and the line of questioning to better perpare for the next couple of sessions.  It helps you ask better questions the next few sessions based on the interactions you have had from the previous sessions and thinking through what the company does  and their product line during the time between sessions. Overall I have found this an excellent tactic to do well in an interview!

All hail and make way For Mrs. Type A! She works like the place is on fire– She comes in at five With a heart full of drive And her bpm ninety or higher! She handles all greetings, She runs all the meetings, She swallows her enemies wholly! She lunches while walking And cellular-talking. She’s tense and intense and control-y! I watch and feel lost. I don’t mind her exhaust, If that’s what she’s wanting to do. But if she’s the display Of what’s meant by Type A, Then I must be down near Type Q. http://davidellisdickerson.com

I’m the V.P of sales. I track desktop details— My hands never ache or get blistery. I drive an s-10; I can work from my den Should the weather get stormy or twister-y. I have kids and a wife And a wonderful life, And yet one thing remains a big mystery: I use none of the knowledge I picked up in college … So why did I major in history? Source: http://davidellisdickerson.com/

Mr. Robert Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." source: www.slinkycity.com

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"
2. Take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I''d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it''s like the dream.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they''ve seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.

source www.slinkycity.com

The ideal lunch hour involves some exercise, especially if, like me, you spend your day staring at a computer monitor. (In fact, I have two monitors, which probably means double the radiation and double the eye-strain… sadly, I haven’t yet persuaded the boss that he’d like to give me two salaries as well!) Depending on where you work, you might like to go for a walk to stretch your legs and clear your head: if you can persuade a colleague or two to join you, even better. I spent three months temping for a company at Cambridge Science Park, and there was an admirable office routine of everyone going out at lunchtime for a half-hour walk around the lovely grounds, past the lake and trees.

Exercise	Duration	Calories
Walking (moderate)	30 mins	110
Walking (faster)	30 mins	145

Gym – an hour

I now work in Brixton in South London, which is less conductive to pleasant lunchtime walks (the bright yellow police signs appealing for “MURDER” witnesses are somewhat offputting.) If your office is similarly located on a bustling high street, you might find other options nearby. Is there a gym within a few minutes walk? I’m lucky enough to have two, the local council recreation centre, and a Fitness First. In a lunch hour, you’ve got time to speed-walk to the gym, get changed, and have a quick workout. I found I could manage about 25-30 minutes on the machines, which is long enough for a decent workout but short enough for even my attention span. A speedy workout like this means you can put the intensity up a notch and get good and sweaty (just make sure you leave time to shower afterwards, before heading back to the office…) You may have to eat lunch at your desk while “working” but so long as your boss doesn’t raise any objections, it’s worth it to get some exercise in.

Gym – a bit longer

After I’d been in my current job for about six months, I shifted my hours slightly to start earlier on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and take an extra half-an-hour for lunch. If your employer is amenable to this sort of “lite” flexitime, do ask if it would be possible: many offices allow employees to stagger hours and take longer or shorter lunch breaks as they prefer. I’m no longer trying to jog with one eye on the clock (after a few near-misses with the treadmill, I’ve learned to keep my attention on where my feet are anyway.) Plus I keep fifteen minutes at the end of my lunch-hour to relax and eat my lunch, rather than trying to tap away at a spreadsheet whilst stuffing a sandwich in my mouth.

Exercise	Duration	Calories
Rowing machine (moderate)	15 mins	105
Rowing machine (vigorous)	15 mins	165

Jog

You might be lucky enough to have decent shower facilities available at work: if so, make the most of this! (My office does have a shower, but it looks like it was last cleaned in the previous century… I doubt it’s ever been used.) You can change into jogging bottoms and a t-shirt (not forgetting that all-important sports bra if you’re female), and go for a 20-30 minute jog. If you’re just starting to exercise, there are lots of plans to help you gradually build up stamina: try alternating walking with jogging, gradually reducing the duration of the walking intervals. If you work in the middle of a town centre like me, you might feel rather exposed running down the high street – and risk getting arrested as a suspect shop-lifter. See if you can find an isolated park anywhere nearby, where you could jog in circuits, or just some quieter back roads.

Exercise	Duration	Calories
Jogging (moderate pace)	15 mins	160

Other – swim, roller-blade, cycle, skate…

With a bit of ingenuinity, there are plenty of other fun exercise options possible in a lunch-hour. If you cycle to work [link] then you can take the bike out for a quick spin, exploring some of the places a little further from your workplace than the newsagent’s and sandwich bar. If there’s a pool nearby, a brief dip is a truly relaxing break from the office – you’ll feel a world away from work once you’re in the water. Challenge yourself to gradually increase the number of lengths you can do in half an hour. A couple of streets away from my office is a skate park, full of bumps, ramps and behooded teenagers. This could be a great chance to relive or rediscover your youth – dig out your roller-blades or skateboards, and persuade a friend to join you!

Exercise	Duration	Calories
Swimming (moderate pace)	30 mins	235

(All calorie counts in this article are based on an 11 stone woman.) source:www.officediet.com

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning, Anyway, I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss.  Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, its such a beautiful day outside and its your birthday, lets go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, its such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Lets go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday... And there I sat...on the couch...naked. source:butlerwebs.com

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit more clear: IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle. IN PRISON... you get three meals a day. AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... you get your own toilet. AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON... you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK... they are called managers. source: www.butlerwebs.com

• You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
• You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
• You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
• You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
• You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

source:butlerwebs.com

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer, just send them the following:

To Whom It May Concern: Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment at this time. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [Name of the Company]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately. I look forward to working with you. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely, [Your Name]

Source: www.butlerwebs.com

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a hoot.
3. How about "never?" Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the mess-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of co-workers.
8. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
9. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
10. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

source: www.butlerwebs.com

After a two-year long study, The National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate America's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for male unemployed or incarcerated individuals is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for male maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for male front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for male supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for male middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for male corporate officers is GOLF.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become... source: DkSdBubba

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing. The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?" The guy replies, "150 dollars." The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back. A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner, "Have you seen that UPS driver?? I asked him to wait here for me!" source: www.butlerwebs.com

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair." source: www.butlerwebs.com

"So tell me, Mrs. Jones," asked the interviewer, "do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?" "Well, actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I also finished my novel." "Very impressive," commented the interviewer, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours." Mrs. Jones explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours." source:www. slinkycity.com

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He narrowed it down to one of two people -- Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that whichever one used the water cooler first the following morning would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I''ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache." Source: www.slinkycity.com

Source: Alexandra Levit's Water Cooler Wisdom

There’s no denying that some decisions are easier than others, and some people have more trouble making decisions than others.  If you have to make a choice and you’re stuck, here’s a process I like to use:

• Define the situation in concrete terms: As if you are telling a story, write out the particulars.  What do you have to make a decision about, and what led up to this point?   Who are the people involved?  What is the deadline for making the decision?
• Generate as many alternatives as you can: Write down everything that comes to mind, and then look at your list carefully.  Are any of your options totally unrealistic?  If so, cross these off.
• Evaluate each choice: List the positive and negative consequences – or pros and cons – associated with each option. When considering pros and cons, think about your most important personal values (i.e. how will you feel about yourself if you take a certain action?), and how the decision will affect your life and the people in it.
• Select and implement the best alternative: Create an action plan in which you marshal the appropriate resources and set a timeline in motion.  Communicate your decision clearly to the people involved.
• Assess the outcome: If your decision turns out to be the right one, think about what worked and why.  If you were wrong, don’t be too hard on yourself.  Just chalk it up to a learning experience and try a different approach next time.

Source:  Alexandra Levit's Water Cooler Wisdom

Everyone has a boss. Even if you "work for yourself," you're still an employee to your client. A big part of maintaining the boss-employee relationship is to never allow a boss to think you dislike your work, are incapable of doing it, or--worse--consider it beneath you. These sound like no-brainers, but many statements heard commonly around the workplace violate these basic rules. Looking for an example? Here are seven heard in workplaces all the time. They may seem ordinary, even harmless. But try reading these from your boss's point of view. You'll see right away why it's smart to never allow these seven sentences to pass your lips: "That's not my job." You know what? A lot of bosses are simple souls who think your job is to do what's asked of you. So even if you're assigned a task that is, indeed, not your job, refrain from saying so. Instead, try to find out why your boss is assigning you this task--there may be a valid reason. If you believe that doing the task is a bad idea (as in, bad for the company) you can try explaining why and suggesting how it could be better done by someone else. This may work, depending on the boss. In any case, remember that doing what's asked of you, even tasks outside your job description, is good karma. "It's not my problem." When people say something is not their problem it makes them look like they don't care. This does not endear them to anybody, especially the boss. If a problem is brewing and you have nothing constructive to say, it's better to say nothing at all. Even better is to pitch in and try to help. Because, ultimately, a problem in the workplace is everyone's problem. We're all in it together. "It's not my fault." Yet another four words to be avoided. Human nature is weird. Claiming that something is not our fault often has the result of making people suspect it is. Besides, what's the real issue here? It's that something went wrong and needs to be fixed. That's what people should be thinking about--not who is to blame. "I can only do one thing at a time." News flash: Complaining you are overworked will not make your boss feel sorry for you or go easier on you. Instead, a boss will think: (1) you resent your job, and/or (2) you aren't up to your job. Everybody, especially nowadays, feels pressured and overworked. If you're trying to be funny, please note that some sarcasm is funny and lightens the mood. Some just ticks people off. "I am way overqualified for this job." Hey, maybe you are. But the fact is, this is the job you have. You agreed to take it on and, while you may now regret that decision, it's still your job. Complaining that it's beneath you only makes you look bad. Plus, coworkers doing similar jobs may resent and dislike you. And guess what? Bosses will not think, "Oh, this is a superior person whom I need to promote." Nope, they'll think, "What a jerk." "This job is easy! Anyone could do it!" Maybe what you're trying to convey here is that you're so brilliant your work is easy. Unfortunately, it comes off sounding more like, "This work is stupid." Bosses don't like hearing that any work is stupid. Nor do they really like hearing that a job is easy peasy. It belittles the whole enterprise. If a task is simple, be glad and do it as quickly as you can. Even "stupid" work needs to get done. "It can't be done." Saying something can't be done is like waving a red flag in a boss's eyes. Even if the thing being suggested truly is impossible, saying it is can make you look ineffectual or incapable. Better to play detective. Why is the boss asking you to do whatever it is? What's the problem that needs to be solved? What's the goal? Search for doable ways of solving that problem or reaching that goal. That's what bosses really want. Most of them do not expect the impossible. Last words: When in doubt, remember that silence really is golden. Karen Burns is the author of the illustrated career advice book The Amazing Adventures of Working Girl: Real-Life Career Advice You Can Actually Use, recently released by Running Press. She blogs at www.karenburnsworkinggirl.com.

Boo. Let me go on a little rant here, about the men in my workplace. Its funny how, I can see in the faces of the new hires (fresh out of college?) that, they look up to their seniors, because they command respect and get attention from colleagues on-and-off the office. You’d think attention was such a good thing, but here I am, about to go on the above-mentioned rant: no, I don’t enjoy it, particularly. I mean, as a society, the workplace is still a long ways-off to equality between men and women. My boy once told me that, I work too hard; he finds me attractive, and that, like many attractive people, I do enjoy being beautiful, but would rather be known for my natural merits, like character or skill. That’s why in school, I worked hard — so what if I won the third prize in the genetic lottery? It didn’t mean I was going to use my looks to go through life. Here’s a little list of things I’ve experienced in the various workplaces that I’ve been part of. The Fake Interview From Hell – This happened when I was fresh out of college, less than a month out, and I’ve been saturating job openings with my resume — this meant that, in a week, I would have at least 3-5 interviews lined up, and sometimes, they would be scheduled on the same day – so it was easy to bounce from area to area. In school, we had guests from consulting agencies to teach us what to do in interviews, etc. And so for my very first real “real” interview, this is what happened. I was sitting in the reception area when this guy in a suit sat beside me. He then asked me, “so, why do you want to work for our company?” I got all nervous, and whimpered, “is this the interview?” He coldly replied that it was, and he was being really, really arrogant and he didn’t even know what position I was applying for! He kept on asking questions until this girl steps in, “Hey! What are you doing with the new applicant?! Stop jerking around!” It turns out that the guy thought I was cute, and was playing a joke on me. He wasn’t even in the department I was applying for! How mean and unprofessional! Night Out Bitching – I know, much can be said about men and office politics, but this just disgusted me. It was a Friday night, a major project just got finished, and everyone was feeling the vibe of getting a drink right after work … as early as 3. Some of our officemates couldn’t make it, and I was stuck with a bunch that I wasn’t particularly close to. It’s surprising, then, for me, to hear what they were talking about — they were criticizing the quirks of my officemates! Then they started talking about which of the girls “they’d hit.” I mean, granted, we weren’t in an office environment, but, are you allowed to make snap judgment on people you JUST work with? I know I can’t do anything for them, but I just stopped tagging along, gossip doesn’t bring anything good in my personal life, and most especially, it won’t do anything for me in the office either. Unwanted Paparazzo – This is just the worst. See, I have a boyfriend, and, it’s not like I have to let the whole office now, right? (I use it to counter any advances hehe) So there’s this one sweet afternoon that he had a meeting near the office, and he visited me for an afternoon snack! We went to a nearby coffee shop, and, as it turned out, an officemate was also there for a meeting. He took a picture using his PDA, paparazzi-style, and sent it to the office e-mail, (save for mine) when I went in, everyone had this look of malice, as if I was using office breaks to hook up. The worst part is, I got called in by the big boss about it… Take note, after the last incident, I didn’t just slink back in my desk, hoping that karma would get them. I reported the truth, using the proper avenues, and the big boss asked the officemates to apologize to me. I’m hoping that I find a way that most of my male officemates would come to respect me as an equal, a human person who goes to work to just get work done. (And here I am being super-nice to the shy IT guy, because at least with him, I could joke around and not get disrespected.) Source: Social Climber Blog http://socialclimber.wordpress.com/2008/04/16/why-i-hate-the-men-in-my-workplace/

I'm working on my degree and work as a secretary for now. My boss has a bachelor's degree and I know for a fact I'm smarter than him, but I also know for a fact he thinks he's smarter than me.  I hate it when he tells me what do most of the time.  Do you all have faced similar issues?

Office Romance Too Close For Comfort I befriended my boss when she was hurting and going through a divorce. We fell in love and started dating, but soon realized chaos due to the newness of her divorce and our working together. The relationship was tough and complicated. She walked away, then I did the same. I told her I would quit my job so we could have a chance to see if we had a future. She said she might be making a mistake but wanted to be alone to heal. I thought that was a great idea and part of me felt relief. But it wasn’t over. Working for her is unbearable. We tried, but it is impossible to keep emotions out of the way so we can relate as professionals. Things are a little better now, but they will never be normal. She is the boss and has the power. I can’t tell you how many times I left her office or a meeting feeling like I was under a rock. I believe she is overcompensating by being extra tough, and I have to tell you, I work my tail off. Many times I asked her to treat me like the others, but she can’t seem to admit she treats me different. My peers know she has been tough on me, but they do not know why. It’s embarrassing. I think I need to move on and soon. I am looking for a job, have had interviews, and can live without a paycheck for a year. Am I running, or is this common sense to get out of a situation that makes us both extremely uncomfortable? I have learned a valuable lesson for sure. Evan Evan, in the novel Vanity Fair William Makepeace Thackeray made a telling observation. He wrote, when one person has obligations to another and they have a falling out, it “makes of the former a much severer enemy than a mere stranger would be.” When things get sticky, our minds leap to see the other party as the villain. We deny our part in the affair, and as Thackeray said, attribute to others “the most sinister motives.” Thackeray wrote of a falling out between businessmen, but many situations are variations on this same theme. For example, a woman is unhappily married. After she decides to divorce her husband, she shares all of her husband’s faults with a friend. Then she changes her mind and returns to the husband. Perhaps she couldn’t find anyone else, perhaps she feels more financially secure with him, or perhaps unhappiness is so familiar she is afraid to seek something better. But having aired her dirty laundry to a friend, she now feels compelled to give the friend the coldest of cold shoulders. Why? Because it is impossible to pretend to be happily married around a person who knows the truth. The woman wishes her friend would simply vanish from her life. This mental reaction allows the woman to pretend to herself and to the world she is in a good marriage. For your boss, you are her Achilles’ heel. Romantic involvement gave you intimate knowledge about her, more leverage in the workplace, and weakened her authority. At least that’s how she sees it. She is chagrined. Now she seeks to put you in your place as her subordinate. Much is written about open and honest communication in the workplace, but none of it works when the boss is unreceptive. There simply is no technique you can use to get her to relent. You make her feel emotionally vulnerable. Seeing you sets her off. That’s not your intention, but you are powerless to alter her emotions. Unless your company is large enough for you to transfer to another department, leaving for greener pastures seems like the best option. Before you leave, share the real reason for your departure with trusted colleagues. Wayne & Tamara (From the column for the week of July 9, 2007) A Pickup Line I just started a wonderful new job. The atmosphere is laid-back, and the people alone make the place fantastic. The best of them all is my boss. She is 29, a month my elder, and very comely in appearance. At first I was merely attracted to her, but as time went on, I fell hard. I couldn't put my finger on it, but she has such a sweet and gentle spirit. Problem is she's not only my boss. She's married. At weekly meetings, I didn't want them to end. I'd lose focus during the conversation. I'd stare at her when she was talking. She is such a delightful and special person I couldn't help it. I wished I could be with her all day. On some occasions, I thought she had to know this. It was killing me inside. She'd walk by me in a sundress, and I'd look her over. I would notice her looking down at me coyishly, then she'd get a call from her husband and be all happy to hear from him. I cut my eyes back to my computer, upset. I thought I had to tell her, so one Friday, I did. She told me everything I needed to hear. She said she was happily married. I said I wouldn't hurt her in her career. She told me to get over it. I told her it was done, but that I love her in a way that makes me want to do the best for her. I want to be there for her, but now she's very cold to me. I say hello in the hallway and she walks by me quicker. Her actions appear scripted. It sears my soul every day to think I hurt or scared her in any way. Will things return to normal so we can be close friends in spite of all this? Reynold Reynold, you will never be close friends because friends is not what you want from her. She gave you no opening for your remarks. You created a problem for her with a subordinate, a problem with no easy solution except to keep you at arm's length. You created a permanent difficulty in your new job, one which can influence your chances for raises and promotion. The only solution is to keep your eyes and your thoughts to yourself and do your job. You are looking at this strictly from your own point of view. Where did you get the idea you can tell any married woman you are romantically and sexually attracted to her? That would mean, when you marry, any man is free to hit on your wife. When crossing the street, it is best to look both ways. If you think only of your own objective, the opposite curb, you are likely to get run over. Wayne & Tamara (From the column for the week of November 11, 2002) Irresistible I'm attracted to my manager. He was the one who showed his interest to me first by complimenting me and making wonderful eye contact. He is single and one year younger than me. Until today he only asked me out one time and that was when a close friend of ours also attended the dinner and we had so much fun. Indeed I never gave him enough opportunity to approach closer because I was not sure if this was wise in terms of office ethics. He has a good reputation in my company for his character, virtues, and moral values. For the past five months we have been working side by side on the same project. Sometimes we have a chance to talk friendly about our private lives, and once he told me he misses relationship opportunities since he hates to see himself chasing after women. From what he told me I figured out he will never ask me for a private date because he is afraid it might be considered trying to seduce a woman working under his management. So today, after struggling by myself for many months, I offered to have a drink with him some night this week, and he accepted with great joy. Do you think I am doing something right? Anjuli Anjuli, work is a less artificial situation than dating, and it is hard to conceal who you really are in your daily work. Many happily married people met at work. There are, however, several things to keep in mind. Dating someone at work also involves your livelihood, so you must respect this element. Keep your personal relationship out of the workplace. At work, focus on the job you are paid to do. Although you may want to share the joy of your new relationship with your coworkers, it is a joy they may not share. Would they be happy that you have a special relationship with your manager, and they do not? Some will suspect your special connection with him will mean favorable treatment for you at their expense; others will suspect you of shirking your job responsibilities. In addition, what you might innocently say to one person may, after being repeated, turn into something else. From the outset you need to realize if either of you does not wish to continue the relationship, then you will both be in the uncomfortable position of working side by side with someone you were once romantically involved with. The outer attraction between you was too great for you to resist asking, and for him to resist accepting. You can minimize the risk by doing your job well, and if this turns out to be more than a job for you, we will be very happy for you. Wayne & Tamara (From the column for the week of December 29, 2003) Moral Compass I have had a very secret little big crush on my boss since I started working for him. I just turned 18, and he is in his mid-20s and married. Knowing he is married and much older, I thought of it as an innocent, completely one-sided crush. I am young and dumb and like the butterflies. The other night a lot of people from work went out, and everyone got completely smashed. On the car ride home he was way more affectionate toward me than a married man should be. I tried to prevent it, but he is so cute and I was so drunk. I don’t want to go into specifics, but I could tell in his eyes, if I let him go for it, he would. I want so badly to talk to him about it, but I love my job and would be mortified if he didn’t remember what happened or the conversation went sour. He was drunk and it probably meant nothing, but it hurts so bad because there are feelings on my end. Lisette Lisette, there are two kinds of butterflies. The butterflies of anticipation and the butterflies of dread. You have fantasies of the two of you together, but what about the fantasies of his wife calling you on the phone. A married man is not in your pool of interest just as a man you find unattractive is not in your pool. Somehow in your head you think it is legitimate to ask, how can I take another woman’s husband? If we were willing to tell you that, we would be willing to tell another woman how to take your husband. At 18, this isn’t the direction to be going. source: wayneandtamara.com

Problem With A Coworker Conspiracy of Silence I'm hoping you can help me with a moral problem that crops up every now and then in my personal and professional life. Sometimes I find myself being blamed for an error or lack of judgment that actually occurred on someone else's part. For example, I asked someone at work about using a certain location for a display, was given the go-ahead, then chastised for using that location. When the only way I can defend myself involves pointing the finger at someone else, I'm in a real quandary. I am rarely prepared to defend myself if it means making someone else look bad. I handle the problem by saying nothing. I simply don't know what to say. There is usually ample opportunity for the person responsible to come forward, but I find that hardly ever happens. How can I handle this type of problem without taking the low road of attacking others? What is the moral or ethical thing to do? Karla Karla, each of us has principles of behavior rattling around in our head. These principles range from the Golden Rule to Miss Manners' etiquette to the Boy Scout Creed. Often we are not sure which principle to apply. The principle you are applying here is the playground and schoolyard rule which says one shouldn't snitch to a parent or teacher. It is not an ethical rule so much as a rule children employ in play. A much more basic rule applies. That is the rule which says, in simple justice, each of us deserves to be known for the person we are. Your lack of explanations makes you look guilty. Coming forward and explaining why you acted as you did should not be a moral or ethical problem for you. It is simply a matter of fact. If you acted because Sheila told you to do it that way, or the employee handbook says to do it that way, or you have always done it that way and no one told you otherwise, you are simply reporting a fact. You should look at this as an impersonal matter, much as if you are reporting the time or the weather. When you report facts in these situations, there are three rules to remember. The three rules are: don't apologize, don't apologize, and don't apologize. An apology is due when you have done something wrong; no apology is called for when stating the reality of a situation. Karla, you don't have an ethical problem here, but the people who know the truth and remain silent do. Wayne (From the column for the week of January 12, 2004) Call Of The Wild A male coworker continually touches everyone's food. For example, at an office birthday party, he walks over to the cake, runs his index finger the entire length of the cake where the frosting is really thick, then sticks a big glob of frosting in his mouth. At another meeting, six cups of Diet Coke are poured and sitting on the table and the person pouring the drinks is waiting for the foam to go down. This man walks over and sticks his finger into all six claiming "it will help the foam go down." At a team lunch in a nice restaurant someone asks him to pass a roll. He reaches in, grabs a roll, and hands it over after cramming the other rolls in his mouth. People make comments and ask him not to touch the food, to no avail. We're tired of racing to the food before he gets there and paws it. Ashley Ashley, animals, birds, and fish mark their territory. Like miners in a gold rush, they know whoever holds the territory gains the power. Your coworker is trying to establish dominance and control over the team. His actions say, "I rule you guys." Not only are his actions unappetizing, but his unwashed hands spread germs. His behavior needs to stop, but reasoned discussion isn't getting you anywhere. Why not take a lesson from the animal kingdom and apply it to your problem? Wolves in a pack are ruled by an alpha male and an alpha female. The alphas dominate the others and enforce rules in their territory. When a challenger wolf appears, the rest of the pack lie back and let an alpha take over. The alpha lets the intruder know in no uncertain terms who owns the territory and has the power. Your employer is the alpha in your workplace. He or she owns the territory and has the power to enforce the rules. Your coworker doesn't have the rank or title which allow him to rule over the rest of your group, so he is trying to steal rank by marking the food of the team. He is violating the food of the "pack" and usurping the power of the alpha. Let your boss know you need protection. Anything that hurts his pack, undermines his authority and hurts his team. That's why the pack loves and respects the alpha, and looks to him or her for protection. If your rank in the "pack" is not high enough to approach the alpha directly, clip this column and send it to your boss with the intruder's name. Wayne & Tamara (From the column for the week of January 31, 2005) Upper Hand I interviewed for an executive assistant position with a new company. The job involves working for three of the company's vice-presidents. After I was chosen I was asked to come in and sign an offer letter. The human relations manager told me vacation time was negotiable. The offer gave me two weeks after 90 days. I asked for three. The human relations manager then spoke to the senior vice-president, a man who is to be my direct supervisor. When he questioned her, he asked if she told me two weeks was more than the usual a person gets when hired. She told him yes, which was a lie. So, by covering her ass, it made me look bad. My first thought is, if this comes up in conversation, I will be straightforward and say, "I was told vacation time was negotiable, so I asked her for three weeks." Do you think I should leave the subject alone, bring it up on my own, or tell him if asked? April April, the zoologist Desmond Morris observed that we spend a great deal of time exploring our higher motives and an equal amount of time ignoring our lower ones. You want to view the personnel manager in terms of honesty, integrity, and ethics, but there is another way to see her actions. For decades psychology has ignored the concept of dominance, but it is a daily fact of our existence and our awareness of it starts when we are very young children. In any group of people or animals, some individuals hold a higher rank than others. You are about to work for three high-status individuals. As a new hire your rank is low. The personnel manager, faced with a choice of appeasing a dominant individual or protecting a low ranking one, yielded to power. People caught in the middle typically lie when cornered. Viewing this from the most base level, her behavior is not surprising. The best thing to do is let this go and hope it is forgotten. If you bring up the issue, you will be confirming you asked for three weeks, which will not be seen as a positive in your bosses' eyes. It will make you seem greedy and demanding. From their point of view, you are a tool to ensure their success. They do not want you missing in action. You have also been shown you cannot trust the human relations manager. This means you should never trust her, and it also means you should never let her know that you don't trust her. Wayne & Tamara (From the column for the week of November 14, 2005) A Plan Of Attack I feel I am at the breaking point. I work at a small school and run the office. I do all the financials, secretarial work, and reception duties. While staffing has increased in the classroom, it has not in administration. I shared my feeling with the principal on Monday and clearly stated things must change. Teachers need to take more responsibility for their own tasks instead of bringing them to the office via students or teacher aides. The principal gave a huge lecture to teachers about overloading, looking out for each other, and making sure family life has priority. I felt better. Then he told me he was leaving at 11:30 a.m. and in future would take every Thursday off! That automatically increases my workload. I resolved not to work overtime, which is usually unpaid, but yesterday was so busy I needed to in order to get my real work done. Everyone else left early! I enjoy the job and need to work, but no one takes me seriously including my husband who tells me how wonderful I am. I am tired of being superwoman. We have children and visitors from overseas for several months, and I feel any day I will lose my mind! Blake Blake, you are hardworking, clever, and do your job well. You need to use that cleverness and work ethic to devise a solution. You've done the most important thing by talking to the principal. He's already given the speech. In fact, he took a page from what you are feeling and applied it to himself. That sounds awful, but it frees you to act without having to explain your position to everyone. Your job is like a square box. It doesn't matter how many people want to put more in the box. When the box is full, it is full. Once other people understand that, they will go look for another box. Begin with your main duties and center your day around these items. Each time someone brings other work, decide if you can reasonably do it. If you can't, send it back or offer to show that person how they can do it for themselves. At quitting time, the box is full. Grab your purse and go. On Thursdays, explain the principal is unavailable. Don't offer to take messages or handle the situation yourself. At home, tell your husband you are now trading compliments for a load of laundry and help with the dishes. Integrate your house guests into the normal family chores and routine. Most guests actually enjoy it! Being superwoman is not a compliment, it is a job description. If you don't reduce your stress level, one day you will quit your job because you simply cannot bear it. No one will gain from that. Wayne & Tamara (From the column for the week of October 28, 2002) What Doesn't Work Recently Ted, a nice coworker, joined my group. We work together on all projects and share ideas and communication with our manager on a daily basis. Ted started carpooling with the boss. At that point he changed. What were joint projects, Ted made his own. When I tried to contact our boss to do the same, it was obvious he prefers Ted. The two of them talk at home and go to church together. I have been in my group for over two years and work hard to be creative. Now I find anytime I do something, Ted quickly takes over. He always beats me to the punch. I am not trying to be petty, but it is getting ridiculous. A job I have been striving for is finally open. There is a trickled rumor the boss has nominated Ted. Let me review the facts. I have been here longer, worked harder, and am overdue for promotion, a thought shared by coworkers. I mentioned this to a higher level boss, who in turn looked at me as a troublemaker. Direct contact with Ted would be dynamite because of his attitude, but this isn't right. The more waves I make, the more I look bad, so I am hoping to get some advice on possible strategy. Donald Donald, certain situations are hopeless. You don't want to hear this, but this is one of them. You can list all the facts you want, but it won't change the main fact. Your manager prefers this new employee to you. There can be a wide range of reasons for this. Your manager may feel you are far too valuable where you are, or you may simply lack the bootlicking skills to succeed in this particular workplace. The new employee is not the enemy. Look at him in broader terms. He might be the wrench thrown at your life to stimulate a reaction, a reexamination of where you want to go. The writer James Michener once said, "The job of an apple tree is to bear apples. The job of a storyteller is to tell stories." What is your real job in life? The only strategy to consider is where your life is going. This includes determining if you choose to remain with this company, whether you should pursue more education, or if you are even in the right field. Source : WayneandTamara.com

Unfair Practices

I work for a small course company that offers several online courses that start a new session every month, with the start date being the third Wednesday of the month.

I requested three weeks in advance to take an hour off at the end of the Monday of last month’s start week, to take my daughter for her one year checkup and shots.  My boss denied the request because it was a start week.  Then she sent an e-mail emphatically stating that no time off will be given during start week.

This was last month.  This month another new mother in my department took the actual start day completely off to take her daughter to the doctor for a checkup and shots.  She was allowed to do this by our boss.

Because of her denial for my hour’s early leave, I had to reschedule my daughter making her two months late for this checkup and shots.  This seems to be a double standard, and I am unsure how to approach this issue.

Millie

Millie, a few years ago primatologists Frans de Waal and Sarah Brosnan reported an experiment they did with capuchin monkeys.  Capuchins like cucumbers but love grapes.  These capuchins were trained to exchange pebbles for food, and when one monkey got a grape for a pebble, while another got cucumber, the second monkey was miffed.  That monkey might throw the cucumber away or refuse to pay a pebble for it.

de Waal observed that we are taught to believe fairness is an idea introduced by wise men “after pondering right, wrong, and our place in the cosmos.”  Actually, the idea may be wired into our genes.  That’s why you feel angry, insulted, and embarrassed.

The question is, what to do about it?  The standard advice says communication is the key.  Don’t get emotional, document what happened, and pick an opportune time to discuss this with your boss.  But if you felt you could talk to your boss, or if your company had firm procedures, you would not be writing.

Here’s the problem.  Shove the idea of fair play into the face of someone who does not play fair, and it could backfire.  Whistleblowers don’t usually get rewarded.  They get sacked.  And people who hold grudges remember every slight, every roll of the eyes, and every slow response to, “I’m right aren’t I?”

There are only two good answers to unfairness in the workplace: rank so high in the social network you are protected, or perform your job so well you are indispensable.  You’d like to have an hour-long bitchfest with your girlfriend, drown your sorrows in chocolate cake, and then tell your boss where to go.  But you know that won’t do any good.

What will help is asking yourself the most basic questions.  Why did someone get a day off when you could not get off even for an hour?  Are you held in low esteem there?  Are the rules quirky and capricious?  Is your boss unapproachable?  Answer those questions and a strategy will emerge.

If communication is out of the question, make sure the favored people don’t know of your resentment and find an outlet for your anger.  We don’t normally recommend this kind of gamesmanship because it comes with a high emotional cost.  Unfairness makes us wear even more of a masked face than we typically wear in public.

If you are deeply upset with what happened yet powerless to change it, you have to get out of that zone.  Tonight instead of watching a movie on television, spend two hours working over your resume, looking at job postings, or upgrading your skills.

We have to react productively to the foibles of those in power.  If you believe the chef will spit on your food if you send it back, the only power you have is not to go there again.

Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 29, 2007)

 

No Class

The manager of a very posh store in New York City has this weird habit of touching her employees' lunches.  She has picked up sandwiches and taken bites out of them without permission.  She even sticks her finger into their donuts or muffins while they are eating them.

She laughs and thinks it is funny.  I find it disgusting and rude.  What is wrong with this woman?  People have said things to her, but she continues to abuse her authority.  Since she rules the store, what can they do?

Mardi

Mardi, there is one thing they can do about this woman's behavior.  Make her disappear!  They can do this permanently by quitting, or temporarily, by eating out or eating elsewhere.

Obsessions, compulsions and morbid habits are deeply rooted.  Her brain is stuck on impulses you will probably never understand, but even if you did, you lack the power to change them.  It is sometimes said people who act this way get no pleasure from their behavior, but there is a clear gain to her actions.

Every time she touches her employees' food she reinforces her superiority and their inferiority.  In a way, that is the essence of poshness.  The word "posh" means elegant, expensive and upper class. 

Knowing the right wine to order from an extensive wine list may be wonderful, but only if you already know what is truly important.  For that reason, being posh implies the ability to make unimportant distinctions, while being blind to what is truly important.  In that sense your manager and her store are truly posh.

Wayne
(From the column for the week of November 18, 2002)

 

Rembrandt

I had a close, healthy working relationship with the head of my company until another administrative assistant came in.  I was told to train her so I would be free to travel for the company, which I did.  I successfully went to bat for her with the boss to get her a significant raise, because she was underpaid. 

She didn’t want to ask for a raise herself.  She told me she would appreciate my help in speaking up for her, and she got a huge raise out of it.  When she had a death in her immediate family, I, again, spoke to our boss on her behalf.  The company paid for her to fly across country to the funeral.  I took up a collection in our office to give her traveling money.

Now this admin speaks disrespectfully to me and makes every effort to prevent me from interacting with our boss.  She uses filthy language in the office and on the phone with our colleagues.  I briefly met with this admin in private and told her she is not to speak to me so disrespectfully.  She was hostile. 

The boss thinks she is terrific, but is rarely exposed to what the rest of us see.  Her behavior is daily unprofessional, yet she seems to get away with it!  In a couple of months her responsibilities will shift to another area, and I will be back in the position of close assistant to our boss.

I look forward to this transition as I feel my boss’s perception is that I am not “engaged,” when in fact I try to be but am constantly blocked by this rude girl.  I want to have the close communication with the boss I had originally.  What should I do?

Audrey

Audrey, to paint a realistic picture an artist must solve the problem of perspective.  This can be done by imagining the canvas is an open window.  The artist then paints on the canvas as if painting the scene on window glass.  That’s how the problem of perspective can be solved.

You think your boss has a perspective problem.  You are in a hurry for him to recognize how bad an employee this admin is, which means you are also in a hurry for him to recognize what a bad situation you put him in.  Of course he doesn’t want to see her flaws.  She was hired at adequate wages, and he increased her salary on your recommendation. 

If you point out her flaws, he will feel the fool for having listened to you.  You are like the tailor who told the emperor how beautiful his new clothes were, and now you want him to admit he’s been walking down the street naked.  In fact, he has to admit to two misjudgments: one about her and one about you. 

Your best bet is to keep quiet and wait this out.  You vouched for her so you could assume your new responsibilities.  And look what it’s done.  Now you have a person who can’t or won’t do the job properly.  We can’t fault your boss for his perspective on this matter because you are the one who painted the picture for him.

Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 4, 2006)

 

Office Politics

Recently my boss updated our software with the new 2005 version.  Everything went okay except something was added onscreen we didn't need.  It didn't print out on invoices so it didn't really matter.

Two days later she went into the software and changed the template.  Basically that messed up everything.  It wasn't really a problem either, because we got it fixed and everything ran fine.  However, while we were getting things fixed, all our invoices had to be handwritten.

On a morning when I wasn't at work she informed everyone I caused the problem.  Of course, they brought it up later in front of me and her, and she smiled.  I came to my own defense and said I didn't create the mess.  However, I felt humiliated and am not sure if I can trust her or work for her. 

She acted like nothing was wrong.  What should I do, and how should I react to this matter?  This isn't the only incident.

Lily

Lily, one slang term for the devil is "Old Nick."  The term refers to Niccolo Machiavelli, whose realistic book about how politics is actually practiced was considered by some to be the work of the devil.

Machiavelli observed a person who knows how to craftily manipulate the minds of others will, in the end, surpass those who lay their foundation upon honesty.  He also noted that most people are so controlled by present necessities and so simpleminded they will allow themselves to be deceived.

Blurring reality with lies often works, and what Old Nick said explains why negative campaigning works so well.  It also explains why your boss acts as she does.  Creating confusion in the minds of coworkers, customers, and superiors about the real source of the problem protects her position of power.

You were right to stand up for yourself, and in the workplace that is about all you can do.  People like your boss usually pick on a weak target and defending yourself makes you less vulnerable to her attacks. 

It was said of one American president that he wouldn't tell you your pants were on fire unless he thought it was in his own self-interest to do so.  Your boss is like that.  Knowing that, you need to decide if you should remain in this workplace.

Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 21, 2005)

 

High Wire Act

I am single, attractive, and 42.  For the last decade I've been personal assistant to the managing director of my company.  He and I have a very good relationship which is essential in this kind of role.  When his marriage of 25 years broke down, he was loathe to discuss it with family or friends.

Our good working relationship and confidentiality paved the way for him to turn to me for advice and support.  I was happy to provide it as he has been a good friend to me.  Nothing sexual has ever happened between us, however, his ex-wife resented our friendship because she felt we always got on better than he and she did.

Three months ago my boss met a lady 20 years his junior at a party at one of our other offices.  They fell for each other.  My problem is his now wife-to-be will not tolerate me at all.  He suggested to her that she and I should speak.  She duly called me, and I attempted what I thought was a pleasant "girly" chat.

It was obvious she was reluctant to talk, but I put this down to the fact we didn't know each other.  Since then she has refused to discuss or acknowledge me.  He can't bring me up in conversation as it induces a row.  This puts our friendship under severe strain.

It's also going to make life difficult for me when I attend company events where she will be present.  I am frightened anything I say or do may be misconstrued by her and lead to a row either with me or, when they return home, with him.  This saddens me.  I know he finds this situation difficult to manage because it involves a lot of female feelings he can't comprehend.

He admits his new love is jealous of any female that comes near him, but she has a special resentment for me.  I am keen for us to be friends, but I also feel he has to side with her which makes me a two time loser.

Deborah

Deborah, the ancient seer Epimenides said, "There is a pleasure in being mad which none but madmen know."  There is also a perverse pleasure in jealousy which none but the jealous know.

Dealing with someone with a true jealousy problem is like dealing with someone with a mental illness.  Your boss will be accused of things he hasn't done, and she will see your actions as suspicious attempts to placate her reasonable fears.  Forget any idea of winning her over.  Jealous people can't be won over.

Your best strategy is to do your job to perfection and keep as far into the background of their relationship as you can.  When you run into this woman, maintain the wallpaper persona of the subordinate employee.  We know this is demeaning, but your main goal is to keep your good job.  As you know, a good personal assistant must be able to walk a tightrope, even without a net.

Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 23, 2005)

 

Rocking The Boat

I work in a factory, and we have supervisors who play favorites.  They have about six girls who can do no wrong, and they have easier jobs than the rest of us.  These girls go out after work to bars, and that is why they are in with the supervisors.

The boss over these supervisors will not do anything because his boss is the father of one of these supervisors.  So long as "Daddy boss" is still there, this boss will not do anything to the supervisors.  One girl played around and made the machinery malfunction for an operator, but she didn't get into trouble because of the favoritism.

Do we go to the owner of the company with a complaint on why these bosses will not fix this mess?

Carol

Carol, we will not tell you that you should go to the owner.  What we will tell you is how this usually plays out. 

Some things are worth doing because you feel they are the right thing to do, even when you know they will not succeed.  As a rule, whistleblowers do not succeed.  Complaining or whistleblowing makes you the problem, instead of the problem you are calling attention to. 

Human beings are social animals, and family and social connections in the workplace usually count for more than merit or truth.  Truth is very weak.  There is nothing pushing it.  It can't stand up to people pushing their own agenda.

The one place where truth, fact, and objectivity are supposed to rule is science, but even in science it is a problem.  The physicist Max Planck once observed that an important scientific innovation is usually accepted not because people readily accept its truth, but because the older generation of opponents grows old and dies off.

Carol, you have three options: you can overlook the unfairness and become immune to it, you can seek other employment, or you can try to fix the problem.  Fixing the problem is the solution least likely to occur.  In all probability, your workplace is a boat the owner does not want rocked.

Source - Wayneandtamara.com

Being a Home Office Warrior comes with a lot of wonderful perks like flexible schedules, being your own boss and more.  But what many of us fail to share is that it can also come with a feeling of being alone, lack of motivation and fear.  Of course, traditional careers come with all of that too, but when you’re working for someone else, staying employed tends to motivate you when these type of situations arise.  When you’re self-employed , sometimes fear of failure can motivate, but it can also be paralyzing. We’ve all been there. We may call it anything from writers block to being stuck in a rut, but no matter what you want to call it, you’re going to need to do something to get past it.  Everyone is different, so I can’t say what will work for you, but I’d like to share the two things that I do when I feel paralyzed in any way.

I learn something new.

If you know what’s holding you back, find a book, blog or video by someone who obviously know what it takes to solve your dilemma.  For example,  a few months ago I didn’t know just what to do with my blog. I was posting on a regular basis, I had a small readership but my visitor stats were sitting still.  So I went to blog expert and friend Grant Griffiths and signed up for his “31 Days to Kick Your Blog in The Butt” and actually did the things he suggested.  Not only have I seen a steady increase in visitors, but it inspired me to share my own knowledge in my “Virtual Assistant Survival Series” which became the “Virtual Assistant Survival Guide“. But what if you just feel stuck, with no particular reason why you have lost focus?  You don’t just have to learn something business related.  Always wanted to play golf?  Make your own beaded jewelry?  Become a better amateur photographer?  Learn how.  Having a hobby to escape to can be an amazing inspiration for your business.  When we immerse ourselves in our businesses, as so many home office business owners tend to, it stands to reason that our brains go on business overload.  The simplicity of disconnecting and doing something enjoyable or creative often is just the thing to help you regain your business focus.

I read or watch something I find inspirational

Currently it’s Jeffery Gitomer’s ” Little Gold Book of YES! Attitude: How to Find, Build and Keep a YES! Attitude for a Lifetime of SUCCESS” that provides me with small chunks of inspiration in bite sized pieces.  Filled with ways to change negative thoughts and attitudes into positive ones, I can pick it up during a coffee break, lunch break or just when I’m feeling overwhelmed and it inspires me to change my way of thinking and reacting. When I was first embarking on this adventure (both my business and my move from Maine to North Carolina) when I started questioning my sanity I pulled out my copy of  “Under the Tuscan Sun” and watched as Diane Lane followed her heart , with all of the twists, turns, ups and downs along the way.  So maybe a chick flick like that doesn’t do it for you, but I’m sure there’s a book or movie somewhere that does.  Or maybe even a YouTube video. Seriously.  Have you seen the lecture by Dr. Randy Pausch, “Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”?  If not, you owe it to yourself to head over there and watch it now.  It could be the most inspirational hour you’ve spent on the computer…ever. All of the experts will tell you that when you hit a wall with your business you need to take a step back. Often times that’s easier said than done.  I’ve found that by using the two tips above it allows me to stop thinking so much about business and allows me to come back to it with a fresher outlook. Source :  Home Office Warrior

Source: Home Office Warrior

In your home office, do you find yourself buried by clutter? Do you feel unorganized and don’t know what to do to get organized? You’re not alone. Working from home can present unique challenges. Filing systems, both digital and tactile, are things that must be conquered early on in order to maintain and keep yourself productive. I can hear your thinking now, “HOW to I go about doing THAT?”. Let’s discuss. Having a filing system for paper is a key element in any office structure. But my suggestion to you would be to try to keep the paper flow to a minimum. Scan and digitally file documents that can be handled that way. For some of us, it is much easier to have documents accessible in digital format rather than having to search through paper files. Scanning can assist us in becoming free of the clutter of paper. But, (there is always a “but”) if you take all your data to digital format, be prepared to back up, and back up often. There are many services online that you can use to back up your important files. The one that I have been using for the longest time is Mozy. It allows unlimited backup for only $4.95 a month and has a “Home” version as well as a “Pro” version. There is also a “free” version that allows 3GB of space. Mozy is dependable and can be configured to back up anything on your computer. You can schedule your backups to occur daily or weekly: it’s completely up to you. Mozy runs in the background and silently backs sp a the times that you have designated. Going digital is a great way for getting out from under your clutter. In my next article, we’ll discuss what to do with those paper files that you must keep! Source : Home Office Warrior

While we run our businesses or telecommute for other companies from our homes, we may sometimes get overwhelmed by the task of just running the home. Not only that, but sometimes we have to decide between taking care of the home so we can take the time to run the home office. As Home Biz Notes mentions, we don’t hesitate outsourcing to professionals like attorneys and accountants. And like many, I take advantage of a virtual assistant to handle certain task for me as well. But, “outsourcing is equally valid when you”

• want or need more time to focus on other work tasks
• don’t have an interest in a specific area
• want to spend more time to relax
• want to spend more time with your family
• want to give yourself some “me” time
• Any others?

While we may not hesitate to outsource for “office task” or other business needs assistance. Why not outsource for other task as suggested by Home Biz Notes? And here is a list of other outsourcing we should consider from Home Biz Notes.

• personal chef (if you’re feeling indulgent)
• personal shopper
• personal home organizer
• personal concierge
• baby sitting
• virtual assistant
• home cleaner
• ironing assistance
• yard work

I have to mention one item here and that is this. I am one of the very lucky ones in that for the most part, all I have to be concerned with in my home office is just that. The home office. I work, run and can give almost all of my time to running the home office. My wife on the other hand does all of the other items listed above. So for me, I don’t have to worry about outsourcing. And before you email me or call and tell me what an awful husband I am, I do help do those things too. But, my point is I don’t have to worry about it. However, I do know there are some who do and that is one reason many don’t take the plunge and move their work to a home office. I visit with people daily about how do I, meaning them, do it. How do I move from working in a downtown office or for an employer to working from home? I just don’t have the time and there are too many distractions. Home Biz Notes has provided some help with that by providing this great list of things you can outsource. Take advantage of them or some of them. And don’t forget to check out Home Office Virtual Assistant, one of the blogs in the Home Office Warrior network for more ideas. Source: Home Office Warrior

Where performance appraisal fails to work as well as it should, lack of support from the top levels of management is often cited as a major contributing reason. Opposition may be based on political motives, or more simply, on ignorance or disbelief in the effectiveness of the appraisal process. It is crucial that top management believe in the value of appraisal and express their visible commitment to it. Top managers are powerful role models for other managers and employees. Those attempting to introduce performance appraisal, or even to reform an existing system, must be acutely aware of the importance of political issues and symbolism in the success of such projects. Fear of Failure There is a stubborn suspicion among many appraisers that a poor appraisal result tends to reflect badly upon them also, since they are usually the employee's supervisor. Many appraisers have a vested interest in making their subordinates "look good" on paper. When this problem exists (and it can be found in many organizations), it may point to a problem in the organization culture. The cause may be a culture that is intolerant of failure. In other words, appraisers may fear the possibility of repercussions - both for themselves and the appraisee. Longenecker (1989) argues that accuracy in performance appraisal is impossible to achieve, since people play social and political games, and they protect their own interests. "No savvy manager...", says Longenecker, "... is going to use the appraisal process to shoot himself or herself in the foot." No matter what safeguards are in place, "... when you turn managers loose in the real world, they consciously fudge the numbers." What Longenecker is saying is that appraisers will, for all sorts of reasons, deliberately distort the evaluations that they give to employees. Indeed, surveys have shown that not only do many managers admit to a little fudging, they actually defend it as a tactic necessary for effective management. The fudging motives of appraisers have, at times, a certain plausibility. For instance, a supervisor who has given an overly generous appraisal to a marginal performer might claim that their 'legitimate' motive was the hope of encouraging a better performance. On the other hand, fudging motives can be a lot less admirable and sometimes devious: the appraiser who fudges to avoid the possibility of an unpleasant confrontation, the appraiser who fudges to hide employee difficulties from senior managers, the appraiser who fudges in order to punish or reward employees. Judgement Aversion Many people have a natural reluctance to "play judge" and create a permanent record which may affect an employee's future career. This is the case especially where there may be a need to make negative appraisal remarks. Training in the techniques of constructive evaluation (such as self-auditing) may help. Appraisers need to recognize that problems left unchecked could ultimately cause more harm to an employee's career than early detection and correction. Organizations might consider the confidential archiving of appraisal records more than, say, three years old. Feedback-Seeking Larson (1989) has described a social game played by poor performers. Many supervisors will recognize the game at once and may have been its victims. The game is called feedback-seeking. It occurs where a poor performing employee regularly seeks informal praise from his or her supervisor at inappropriate moments. Often the feedback-seeker will get the praise they want, since they choose the time and place to ask for it. In effect, they "ambush" the supervisor by seeking feedback at moments when the supervisor is unable or unprepared to give them a full and proper answer, or in settings that are inappropriate for a frank assessment. The supervisor may feel "put on the spot", but will often provide a few encouraging words of support. The game seems innocent enough until appraisal time comes around. Then the supervisor will find that the employee recalls, with perfect clarity, every casual word of praise ever spoken! This places the supervisor in a difficult bind. Either the supervisor lied when giving the praise, or least, misled the employee into thinking that their performance was acceptable (in fact, this is the argument that feedback-seekers will often make). The aim of the game is that the feedback- seeker wants to deflect responsibility for their own poor performance. They also seek to bolster their appraisal rating by bringing in all the "evidence" of casual praise. Very often the feedback seeker will succeed in making the supervisor feel at least partly responsible. As a result, their appraisal result may be upgraded. Was the supervisor partly responsible? Not really. The truth of the matter is that they have been "blackmailed" by a subtle social game. But like most social games, the play depends on the unconscious participation of both sides. Making supervisors aware of the game is usually sufficient to stop it. They must learn to say, when asked for casual praise, "I can't talk about it now... but see me in my office later." This puts the supervisor back in control of the appraisal process. Appraiser Preparation The bane of any performance appraisal system is the appraiser who wants to "play it by ear". Such attitudes should be actively discouraged by stressing the importance and technical challenge of good performance appraisal. Perhaps drawing their attention to the contents of this web site, for example, may help them to see the critical issues that must be considered. Employee Participation Employees should participate with their supervisors in the creation of their own performance goals and development plans. Mutual agreement is a key to success. A plan wherein the employee feels some degree of ownership is more likely to be accepted than one that is imposed. This does not mean that employees do not desire guidance from their supervisor; indeed they very much do. Performance Management One of the most common mistakes in the practice of performance appraisal is to perceive appraisal as an isolated event rather than an ongoing process. Employees generally require more feedback, and more frequently, than can be provided in an annual appraisal. While it may not be necessary to conduct full appraisal sessions more than once or twice a year, performance management should be viewed as an ongoing process. Frequent mini-appraisals and feedback sessions will help ensure that employees receive the ongoing guidance, support and encouragement they need. Of course many supervisors complain they don't have the time to provide this sort of ongoing feedback. This is hardly likely. What supervisors really mean when they say this is that the supervision and development of subordinates is not as high a priority as certain other tasks. In this case, the organization may need to review the priorities and values that it has instilled in its supervisory ranks. After all, supervisors who haven't got time to monitor and facilitate the performance of their subordinates are like chefs who haven't got time to cook, or dentists who are too busy to look at teeth. It just doesn't make sense. If appraisal is viewed as an isolated event, it is only natural that supervisors will come to view their responsibilities in the same way. Just as worrying, employees may come to see their own effort and commitment levels as something that needs a bit of a polish up in the month or two preceding appraisals. Source: Archer North Associates

Invariably the needs arises in performance appraisal to provide an employee with less than flattering feedback. The skill and sensitivity used to handle these often difficult sessions is critical. If the appraisee accepts the negative feedback and resolves to improve, all is well. But if the result is an angry or hurt employee, then the process of correction has failed. The performance of an employee in such cases is unlikely to improve and may deteriorate even further. Self-Auditing According to Krein (1990), appraisers should not confront employees directly with criticism. Rather, they should aim to let the evidence of poor performance emerge "naturally" during the course of the appraisal interview. This is done by way of open-ended questioning techniques that encourage the employee to identify their own performance problems. Instead of blunt statements or accusations, the appraisers should encourage an employee to talk freely about their own impressions of their performance. For example, consider the case of employee who has had too many absent days. The appraiser, in accusatory mode, might say: "Your attendance record is unacceptable. You'll have to improve it." A better way to handle this might be to say: "Your attendance record shows that you had 7 days off work in 6 months. What can you tell me about this?" The technique is to calmly present the evidence (resisting the temptation to label it as good or bad) and then invite the employee to comment. In many cases, with just a gentle nudge from the appraiser here and there, an employee with problems will admit that weaknesses do exist. This is much more likely when an employee does not feel accused of anything, nor forced to make admissions that they do not wish to make. If an appraiser can get an employee to the stage of voluntary admission, half the battle is won. The technique described by Krein is a type of self-auditing, since it encourages the employee to confront themselves with their own work and performance issues. The technique is useful because it is more likely to promote discussion and agreement on the need for change. Confrontation techniques that rely on "charge and counter-charge" tend to promote adversarialism - and that leads to denial and resentment. Ownership of Problems Perhaps the most powerful aspect of the self-auditing process is that employees are more willing generally to accept personal "ownership" of problems that have been self-identified. This sense of ownership provides an effective basis for stimulating change and development. (Some would argue that it provides the only basis.) Nevertheless there are individuals who will not admit to anything that appears to reflect poorly on them. With ego defences on full-alert, they will resist the process of self-auditing very strongly. In such cases, appraisers may have no choice but to confront the poor performer directly and firmly with the evidence they have. Sometimes the shock of direct confrontation will result in the employee admitting that they do need to make improvements. But sometimes it will just make their denial of the problem worse. In providing any feedback - especially negative feedback - appraisers should be willing and able to support their opinions with specific and clear examples. Vague generalizations should be avoided. The focus should be on job-related behaviors and attitudes. If a specific observation cannot be supported by clear evidence, or touches on issues that are not job-related, it may be best to exclude all mention of it. Appraisers must carefully scrutinize their own perceptions, motives and prejudices. Source: Archer North and Associates

Perhaps the most significant benefit of appraisal is that, in the rush and bustle of daily working life, it offers a rare chance for a supervisor and subordinate to have "time out" for a one-on-one discussion of important work issues that might not otherwise be addressed. Almost universally, where performance appraisal is conducted properly, both supervisors and subordinates have reported the experience as beneficial and positive. Appraisal offers a valuable opportunity to focus on work activities and goals, to identify and correct existing problems, and to encourage better future performance. Thus the performance of the whole organization is enhanced. For many employees, an "official" appraisal interview may be the only time they get to have exclusive, uninterrupted access to their supervisor. Said one employee of a large organization after his first formal performance appraisal, "In twenty years of work, that's the first time anyone has ever bothered to sit down and tell me how I'm doing." The value of this intense and purposeful interaction between a supervisors and subordinate should not be underestimated. Motivation and Satisfaction Performance appraisal can have a profound effect on levels of employee motivation and satisfaction - for better as well as for worse. Performance appraisal provides employees with recognition for their work efforts. The power of social recognition as an incentive has been long noted. In fact, there is evidence that human beings will even prefer negative recognition in preference to no recognition at all. If nothing else, the existence of an appraisal program indicates to an employee that the organization is genuinely interested in their individual performance and development. This alone can have a positive influence on the individual's sense of worth, commitment and belonging. The strength and prevalence of this natural human desire for individual recognition should not be overlooked. Absenteeism and turnover rates in some organizations might be greatly reduced if more attention were paid to it. Regular performance appraisal, at least, is a good start. Training and Development Performance appraisal offers an excellent opportunity - perhaps the best that will ever occur - for a supervisor and subordinate to recognize and agree upon individual training and development needs. During the discussion of an employee's work performance, the presence or absence of work skills can become very obvious - even to those who habitually reject the idea of training for them! Performance appraisal can make the need for training more pressing and relevant by linking it clearly to performance outcomes and future career aspirations. From the point of view of the organization as a whole, consolidated appraisal data can form a picture of the overall demand for training. This data may be analysed by variables such as sex, department, etc. In this respect, performance appraisal can provide a regular and efficient training needs audit for the entire organization. Recruitment and Induction Appraisal data can be used to monitor the success of the organization's recruitment and induction practices. For example, how well are the employees performing who were hired in the past two years? Appraisal data can also be used to monitor the effectiveness of changes in recruitment strategies. By following the yearly data related to new hires (and given sufficient numbers on which to base the analysis) it is possible to assess whether the general quality of the workforce is improving, staying steady, or declining. Employee Evaluation Though often understated or even denied, evaluation is a legitimate and major objective of performance appraisal. But the need to evaluate (i.e., to judge) is also an ongoing source of tension, since evaluative and developmental priorities appear to frequently clash. Yet at its most basic level, performance appraisal is the process of examining and evaluating the performance of an individual. Though organizations have a clear right - some would say a duty - to conduct such evaluations of performance, many still recoil from the idea. To them, the explicit process of judgement can be dehumanizing and demoralizing and a source of anxiety and distress to employees. It is been said by some that appraisal cannot serve the needs of evaluation and development at the same time; it must be one or the other. But there may be an acceptable middle ground, where the need to evaluate employees objectively, and the need to encourage and develop them, can be balanced. Source: Archer North Associates

In a landmark study, Locher & Teel (1977) found that the three most common appraisal methods in general use are rating scales (56%), essay methods (25%) and results- oriented or MBO methods (13%). For a description of each, follow the button links on the left. Certain techniques in performance appraisal have been thoroughly investigated, and some have been found to yield better results than others. Encourage Discussion Research studies show that employees are likely to feel more satisfied with their appraisal result if they have the chance to talk freely and discuss their performance. It is also more likely that such employees will be better able to meet future performance goals. (e.g., Nemeroff & Wexley, 1979). Employees are also more likely to feel that the appraisal process is fair if they are given a chance to talk about their performance. This especially so when they are permitted to challenge and appeal against their evaluation. (Greenberg, 1986). Constructive Intention It is very important that employees recognize that negative appraisal feedback is provided with a constructive intention, i.e., to help them overcome present difficulties and to improve their future performance. Employees will be less anxious about criticism, and more likely to find it useful, when the believe that the appraiser's intentions are helpful and constructive. (Fedor et al., 1989) In contrast, other studies (e.g., Baron, 1988) have reported that "destructive criticism" - which is vague, ill-informed, unfair or harshly presented - will lead to problems such as anger, resentment, tension and workplace conflict, as well as increased resistance to improvement, denial of problems, and poorer performance. Set Performance Goals It has been shown in numerous studies that goal-setting is an important element in employee motivation. Goals can stimulate employee effort, focus attention, increase persistence, and encourage employees to find new and better ways to work. (e.g., Locke,et al., 1981) The useful of goals as a stimulus to human motivation is one of the best supported theories in management. It is also quite clear that goals which are "...specific, difficult and accepted by employees will lead to higher levels of performance than easy, vague goals (such as do your best) or no goals at all." (Harris & DiSimone, 1994) Appraiser Credibility It is important that the appraiser (usually the employee's supervisor) be well-informed and credible. Appraisers should feel comfortable with the techniques of appraisal, and should be knowledgeable about the employee's job and performance. When these conditions exist, employees are more likely to view the appraisal process as accurate and fair. They also express more acceptance of the appraiser's feedback and a greater willingness to change. (Bannister, 1986) Source : Archer North & Associates

(1) Tell me what you want me to do (2) Tell me how well I have done it (3) Help me improve my performance (4) Reward me for doing well.

Organizational Viewpoint From the organization's viewpoint, one of the most important reasons for having a system of performance appraisal is to establish and uphold the principle of accountability. For decades it has been known to researchers that one of the chief causes of organizational failure is "non-alignment of responsibility and accountability." Non-alignment occurs where employees are given responsibilities and duties, but are not held accountable for the way in which those responsibilities and duties are performed. What typically happens is that several individuals or work units appear to have overlapping roles. The overlap allows - indeed actively encourages - each individual or business unit to "pass the buck" to the others. Ultimately, in the severely non-aligned system, no one is accountable for anything. In this event, the principle of accountability breaks down completely. Organizational failure is the only possible outcome. In cases where the non-alignment is not so severe, the organization may continue to function, albeit inefficiently. Like a poorly made or badly tuned engine, the non-aligned organization may run, but it will be sluggish, costly and unreliable. One of the principal aims of performance appraisal is to make people accountable. The objective is to align responsibility and accountability at every organizational level. Source:  Archer North Associates

The history of performance appraisal is quite brief. Its roots in the early 20th century can be traced to Taylor's pioneering Time and Motion studies. But this is not very helpful, for the same may be said about almost everything in the field of modern human resources management. As a distinct and formal management procedure used in the evaluation of work performance, appraisal really dates from the time of the Second World War - not more than 60 years ago. Yet in a broader sense, the practice of appraisal is a very ancient art. In the scale of things historical, it might well lay claim to being the world's second oldest profession! There is, says Dulewicz (1989), "... a basic human tendency to make judgements about those one is working with, as well as about oneself." Appraisal, it seems, is both inevitable and universal. In the absence of a carefully structured system of appraisal, people will tend to judge the work performance of others, including subordinates, naturally, informally and arbitrarily. The human inclination to judge can create serious motivational, ethical and legal problems in the workplace. Without a structured appraisal system, there is little chance of ensuring that the judgements made will be lawful, fair, defensible and accurate. Performance appraisal systems began as simple methods of income justification. That is, appraisal was used to decide whether or not the salary or wage of an individual employee was justified. The process was firmly linked to material outcomes. If an employee's performance was found to be less than ideal, a cut in pay would follow. On the other hand, if their performance was better than the supervisor expected, a pay rise was in order. Little consideration, if any, was given to the developmental possibilities of appraisal. If was felt that a cut in pay, or a rise, should provide the only required impetus for an employee to either improve or continue to perform well. Sometimes this basic system succeeded in getting the results that were intended; but more often than not, it failed. For example, early motivational researchers were aware that different people with roughly equal work abilities could be paid the same amount of money and yet have quite different levels of motivation and performance. These observations were confirmed in empirical studies. Pay rates were important, yes; but they were not the only element that had an impact on employee performance. It was found that other issues, such as morale and self-esteem, could also have a major influence. As a result, the traditional emphasis on reward outcomes was progressively rejected. In the 1950s in the United States, the potential usefulness of appraisal as tool for motivation and development was gradually recognized. The general model of performance appraisal, as it is known today, began from that time. Modern Appraisal Performance appraisal may be defined as a structured formal interaction between a subordinate and supervisor, that usually takes the form of a periodic interview (annual or semi-annual), in which the work performance of the subordinate is examined and discussed, with a view to identifying weaknesses and strengths as well as opportunities for improvement and skills development. In many organizations - but not all - appraisal results are used, either directly or indirectly, to help determine reward outcomes. That is, the appraisal results are used to identify the better performing employees who should get the majority of available merit pay increases, bonuses, and promotions. By the same token, appraisal results are used to identify the poorer performers who may require some form of counseling, or in extreme cases, demotion, dismissal or decreases in pay. (Organizations need to be aware of laws in their country that might restrict their capacity to dismiss employees or decrease pay.) Whether this is an appropriate use of performance appraisal - the assignment and justification of rewards and penalties - is a very uncertain and contentious matter. Controversy, Controversy Few issues in management stir up more controversy than performance appraisal. There are many reputable sources - researchers, management commentators, psychometricians - who have expressed doubts about the validity and reliability of the performance appraisal process. Some have even suggested that the process is so inherently flawed that it may be impossible to perfect it (see Derven, 1990, for example). At the other extreme, there are many strong advocates of performance appraisal. Some view it as potentially "... the most crucial aspect of organizational life" (Lawrie, 1990). Between these two extremes lie various schools of belief. While all endorse the use of performance appraisal, there are many different opinions on how and when to apply it. There are those, for instance, who believe that performance appraisal has many important employee development uses, but scorn any attempt to link the process to reward outcomes - such as pay rises and promotions. This group believes that the linkage to reward outcomes reduces or eliminates the developmental value of appraisals. Rather than an opportunity for constructive review and encouragement, the reward-linked process is perceived as judgmental, punitive and harrowing. For example, how many people would gladly admit their work problems if, at the same time, they knew that their next pay rise or a much-wanted promotion was riding on an appraisal result? Very likely, in that situation, many people would deny or downplay their weaknesses. Nor is the desire to distort or deny the truth confined to the person being appraised. Many appraisers feel uncomfortable with the combined role of judge and executioner. Such reluctance is not difficult to understand. Appraisers often know their appraisees well, and are typically in a direct subordinate-supervisor relationship. They work together on a daily basis and may, at times, mix socially. Suggesting that a subordinate needs to brush up on certain work skills is one thing; giving an appraisal result that has the direct effect of negating a promotion is another. The result can be resentment and serious morale damage, leading to workplace disruption, soured relationships and productivity declines. On the other hand, there is a strong rival argument which claims that performance appraisal must unequivocally be linked to reward outcomes. The advocates of this approach say that organizations must have a process by which rewards - which are not an unlimited resource - may be openly and fairly distributed to those most deserving on the basis of merit, effort and results. There is a critical need for remunerative justice in organizations. Performance appraisal - whatever its practical flaws - is the only process available to help achieve fair, decent and consistent reward outcomes. It has also been claimed that appraisees themselves are inclined to believe that appraisal results should be linked directly to reward outcomes - and are suspicious and disappointed when told this is not the case. Rather than feeling relieved, appraisees may suspect that they are not being told the whole truth, or that the appraisal process is a sham and waste of time. The Link to Rewards Research (Bannister & Balkin, 1990) has reported that appraisees seem to have greater acceptance of the appraisal process, and feel more satisfied with it, when the process is directly linked to rewards. Such findings are a serious challenge to those who feel that appraisal results and reward outcomes must be strictly isolated from each other. There is also a group who argues that the evaluation of employees for reward purposes, and frank communication with them about their performance, are part of the basic responsibilities of management. The practice of not discussing reward issues while appraising performance is, say critics, based on inconsistent and muddled ideas of motivation. In many organizations, this inconsistency is aggravated by the practice of having separate wage and salary reviews, in which merit rises and bonuses are decided arbitrarily, and often secretly, by supervisors and managers. Source: Archer North Associates

Just opened my account.

Most companies these days use a performance management process that is based on objectives. As I’ve complained before, I’m not a big fan of this approach. It’s very difficult to make it work, and seems too heavyweight for me. There’s got to be an easier way. That said, let’s face facts. If you work in a company that has more than 200 employees and you’re not in charge, you’re not going to change the appraisal process. If you want to be successful, you’ve got to play well within the performance appraisal system or be passed over. That’s just one of the sad facts of life in corporate IT. Sorry. Most performance management processes include a self-appraisal. This is your estimation of your performance and helps guide your boss’s thinking as she does her part of the review. Most people treat the self-appraisal as kind of a diary of the work they did through the year. This approach is a mistake because it doesn’t help you create an influential brand for yourself that will stick in the mind of your boss. You need to use the appraisal process to influence your boss to think about you in terms of the key capabilities/attributes you have that make you special and effective. What does that mean though? Does it mean you write a book at the end of the year, detailing every good thing you did throughout 2006? What about every mistake you made? Do you treat the performance review process like a court case, where you’re trying to “prove” you belong in the top 10%? My experience is that this almost always backfires. There are two aspects to the performance review process, and most people neglect one of them. First, there is the written appraisal. It’s the least important aspect, but if neglected can really screw you up. Second, is the perception of your actual performance. How do people think you performed, regardless of what your self-appraisal says? If the two don’t jive, it won’t matter what you write. A self-appraisal must reinforce the beliefs others already have about you or it will be discounted. If you write about what a great communicator you are, but people see you as a person who rambles on pointlessly or is irrationally negative, then forget about getting credit for communicating well. You won’t, because you don’t. The first step in WRITING a self-appraisal is PERFORMING a self-appraisal. What are you good at? What situations are you best suited for? What stresses you out the most? When are you most afraid you will fail? When do you feel most confident? What do people compliment you for? What sort of situations do your co-workers seem least interested in working with you? Ask these questions of yourself and others. Don’t be a defensive jerk about it. Just gather the data and think about it. Then make a list, focusing on two things: strengths and weaknesses. This list is the beginning of your self-appraisal. Check your list of strengths and weakness against the facts. Did they come into play in the work you did? How? Write this down in your self-appraisal. If you think you have strengths that never got an opportunity to be put in the game, note them. You’ll use them in the last section: desired opportunities. Don’t go overboard with examples to support your strengths/weaknesses claims. Pick the most glaring successes and failures and describe them in terms of how your attributes made them turn out the way they did. By this point you’ve probably asked yourself whether it’s really a good idea to discuss your weakness and how they contributed to failures openly. Won’t this lower your rating/ranking/whatever? Perhaps. I suggest you make up your mind now that you won’t give a crap about it. Incomes go up every year, for the mostpart. Some go up slowly, some go up quickly. Hiding your weaknesses might help you with short-term gains, but in the long term failing to own up to them and overcome them will hurt your income potential far more than disguising them. Besides, I’ve found it is ALWAYS better to discuss your failures on your own terms than on someone else’s. Address them pre-emptively. You can influence your boss’s perception of your failures more than you might think. Okay, so now you have two sections of the self-appraisal: strengths, with examples. Weaknesses, with examples. Now you’re ready for the next section: desired opportunities. What situations will give you a chance to demonstrate heretofore unused strengths and abilities? What steps can you take to learn about and improve weaknesses? Once you’ve improved them, what opportunities do you need to demonstrate that you’re better? Write it down. Then hand it to your spouse or someone else who loves you but isn’t afraid to laugh at you. Listen to what they have to say, then change it up. Then, turn it in. Don’t obsess about it anymore. You’re done. Source:http://www.techdarkside.com

Dear Bureau Pat: 

My performance appraisal is coming up and my immediate supervisor has provided limited feedback about my performance to date.  What's worse is that she clearly does not like me on a personal level.  I hope that she will be impartial and evaluate my performance objectively, but I fear this will not be the case.  Is there anything I can do?

Dear Nerved Up:

Fortunately for you, you're a federal employee and firing you takes major work.  So you've got nothing to worry about.  Sit back, relax, and revel in the fact that the easiest way to get rid of you is through a promotion!

Bureau Pat has been in a similar situation. My SES (Senior Executive Service) supervisor wore her title with unchecked hubris and was hostile to anyone who questioned her methods and decisions.  Prior to my review, I had little information about my performance.  Going into her office game day, all I truly knew was that we disliked each other.  

Good supervisors provide ongoing feedback and don't let personality interfere with their objectivity. Many of us are fortunate to work for such people.  For situations like the ones you and I encountered, some strategy is required.

First, it's important to understand your work environment and your supervisor. Are there other stressors happening around you which might be upsetting your boss?  If so, is it possible these stressors keep her in a lousy mood which you misinterpret as her distaste for you?  

If not, and you find yourself in a toxic situation, you need to take some initiative. Approach your supervisor and see if there are any hot button issues she would like help with.  You have two goals here: diffusing a personality clash and promoting yourself as a team player and hard worker prior to your review.

Begin documenting every encounter with your supervisor, as they will be useful in the future - even if it's just to show friends what an ass she is.  If you have not been documenting communications - electronic and oral - start now; it's never too late to buy some spy gear or at the least, keep some email hardcopies in a folder marked CYA for a rainy day. 

If your supervisor likes to give you instructions verbally, reiterate those instructions along with a progress update in meeting her requests over email. Doing so creates a record.  

At least a day before your review, look over your performance objectives for the year and prepare for your meeting.  This should be done on government time, but not while your boss is lurking.  Make sure you can articulate your achievements with meaningful results.  For example, "Workplace morale improved 20% from last year after I led the effort to improve communications within my division."  See how easy that was? 

While you're listing your achievements, prepare a list of questions for your supervisor.  After all, a performance review should be a dialogue, not a soliloquy. 

Questions should be direct and get her on record about your performance so there won't be any surprises on your written review.  Don't be afraid to ask plainly how she feels you're doing, if you've failed to meet any of your objectives, and most importantly, how she feels you can improve.

Be prepared to address and listen to constructive or destructive criticism and have an appropriate response ready for every type of negative input.  But, and I mean BUT; never fall into the trap of engaging in an argument with such a boss. Doing so will only hurt your chances for a good review.  And keep your cool.  If you lose composure, the review will quickly turn from conversation to debate to a nonverbal hate-fest.  You don't want that, but it's OK to defend yourself with examples of successes.  Just avoid being defensive and argumentative.  

Here are two different ways to respond to criticism; one is the right way and one is the wrong way. 

Supervisor: I've been disappointed with the timeliness of your work and feel you have had a hard time meeting deadlines.

Wrong Response:  I think that's completely unfair.  I never miss deadlines.  You're confusing me with Joe.  That guy never gets anything done without me riding his back.

Correct Response: Really, that's terrible; I never of thought of myself that way.  I don't remember missing any deadlines but perhaps I overlooked something.  Can you give me an example of a deadline I missed? 

Naturally, during the review you should be taking copious notes.  You may even want to record the conversation. People tend to alter what they "said" during a written review later on.

If you get a fair evaluation, good!  If not, then there are steps that you will take to seek relief which I will address in the future.  One of them is tacks on the seat.  It won't get your raise back, but it will sure make for a funny story to tell over beers.

Source: www.ohmygov.com

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I have felt that my boss has been out to get me for about a couple of years.  I have been feeling this way because she is treating me the exact same way that she has treated at least four other people in my department, all of whom have since left, either finding new jobs or retiring. Basically, she finds something she doesn't like about you and then does everything she can to make your life miserable until you leave.

In my case, I think I became too well respected. I have become very well known as the go to guy for solutions for all kinds of problems. As such I have gotten to know some people in very high places within our organization and I think my boss may be jealous of that.

Sometime last year my boss set a deadline on a project that way much too short. I was the technical lead on the project, but she did not consult me in determining the deadline and she allowed the clients to dictate technical parameters without my consultation as well. We basically ended up with a project plan that was nearly impossible to implement and definitely impossible to do in the time allotted. When I called her on this her reply was "do whatever it takes."

Meanwhile I was assigned to a second project. From the start it was clear that the client wanted to use external resources to complete this project, but they came to us to be politically correct. On this project communication from the project manager was non existent and tasks were always assigned to me, ambiguously, at the last minute so I frequently missed impossible deadlines.

The two projects took up more than 100% of my time and I found myself working most nights and weekends to "do whatever it takes." I was also told not to take on any tasks other than those related to the two projects, so anyone coming to be for special help had to be turned away.

A couple months in to the second project the client decided to go to the outside agency they had originally wanted to use and I was taken off the project. Thios was explained to me as the client simply "choosing to go another direction" and as "being a good thing" because it would allow me to devote more time to the first project.

After the deadline on the first project passed my boss brought in a temp employee, a recent college grad, to help me out. Unfortunately, instead of collaborating with me my boss seemed to have him compete against me. Any time I had a problem I was instructed to "talk to Joe" (name changed to protect the guilty) because to my boss Joe was the expert. The manner in which my boss defered me to Joe was very belittiling and, rather than showing me how to do things, Joe would simply take them over. For that reason I tried to avoid discussing problems with anyone and struggled to always solve them myself.

In solving one problem that he took over, Joe decided the best course of action was to completly recode the entire project. Since all of the logic was already in place it was fairly easy to do and he finished it in about two weeks. Unfortuantelty no one bothered to tell me that he was doing that! I continued working on the original project not knowing about this parallel development. When I finally got the new project from Joe, I found that he had written sloppy, hard to follow code that had absolutely no comments. He had also failed to include several features of the project that I had previously completed and coded several other features in disagreement with the clients' strict spec. I basically had to spend three or four weeks redoing things I had previously completed and fixing Joe's mistakes. My boss grew impatient and would not listen to anything I had to say about how poorly handled everything was.

The project finally went to the clients for their review. I've heard they now want changes, but they haven't sent them to us yet. Meanwhile, I just got my annual appraisal and it was not good. My boss criticized my lack of communication and unwillingness to consult with Joe about my problems, though she said nothing about her huge lack of communication concerning the parrallel development that she allowed to happen. She also zinged me on the second project saying that the client had "no confidence" in my ability to complete in, a phrase that was never mentioned when I was told the client was going to an agency.

I am currently looking for a new job, but I obviously need to continue working for my current boss until I find one. I want to dispute my boss' allegations, but I'm not sure how to do it. I considered having a meeting with my boss and an HR rep, but then I realized that (and confirmed with colleages) that my boss has been manipulating me for years so that she could "win" in that situation. Basically, on good appraisals she always adds "but you need some improvement on A, B, and C." On a positive review you write them off as bits of advice and adjust you habits to improve. The highlighted areas change year-by-year, but there is always some overlap so that she can establish a consistent pattern. The she hits you with a bad appraisal and, when you go to HR she argues that the issues are part of an ongoing problem that you have been repeatedly warned about.

I also considered going to out newly assigned ombudsperson, who is supposed to be an advocate for the employee in these kinds of situations, but the ombudsperson is married to the project manager of the second project who I happen to blame for most of the issues on that project, but who my boss thinks is absolutely spectacular, so I don't think I'm comfortable going that route either.

So, aside from hoping I get a new job offer very soon, what can I possibly do? I don't feel that I have been treated fair at all, but I also feel that all of the mechanisms in place for me to air my grievance will screw me over even more. Any advice?

Thanks in advance.

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business." source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two. " The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Smith, two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job... source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

To ten excuses- If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work: 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!" 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken..." 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk. 1. " ...... AMEN!" source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

A fire alarm rang at 4 pm in a large office campus when almost all employees were present (approx 5,000 people ). As per past fire-drill practices, the entire office was quickly evacuated within 3 minutes, and all employees gathered outside the complex in designated areas waiting for further announcement. Before long, the fire drill officer in-charge made the following broadcast over their loud-speakers system : "My dear colleagues : With sincere regret, I have been asked to announce that for many of you, this will be your last evacuation drill with us. Due to the on-going recession and bad business climate, the company is laying off almost 50% of its staff. So when this announcement finishes, I ask all of you to move back into the building. And if your swipe-card does not work, then it means that you have been laid off, in which case you will not be allowed inside, and all your personal belongings will be couriered to you by tomorrow. The company is using this innovative, never-before approach as we do not want to choke our email system with lay-off notices and farewell messages going by the thousands, and we also wish to avoid any fighting inside the office and the consequent security issues for all staff. We hope you have had a rewarding career with us. Now please move back in… and good luck ! source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off 2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate 3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs. 4. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America's third biggest lender. source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!" source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?" The young man answered, "Yes, I did." To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?" source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened. Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system. source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face." "He's an arrogant, self-important jerk, piss on him!" "You did. All over his suit, "Louise informed him. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him," said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday." Source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

Well, I was thinking about re-entering the work force but gave that up after trying a new job. Man, they were so strict at that job that I had to quit.It was constantly: "No personal calls." "Don't surf the web." "Put your pants back on." I mean, who can work in an environment like that? http://miteshasher.blogspot.com/

A banker calls in an oilman to review his loans. "We loaned you a million to revive your old wells, and they went dry." says the banker. "Coulda been worse." "Then we loaned you a million to drill new wells, and they were dry." "Coulda been worse." "Then we loaned you another million for new drilling equipment, and it broke down." "Coulda been worse." "I'm getting tired of hearing that!" snaps the banker. "How could it have been worse?" "Coulda been my money," says the oilman.

In line with our constitution and to eliminate discrimination in our society, the following titles will now be used for these jobs: Garden Boy - Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist House Maid - Family Environs Upkeep Manager Typist - Printed Document Handler Messenger - Business Communications Conveyer Window Cleaner - A Transparent Wall Technician Tea Boy - Refreshments Overseer Garbage Collector - Public Sanitation Technicians Watchman - Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer Prostitute - Practical Sexual Relations Demonstrator Thief - Wealth Distribution Officer Receptionist - Office Access Control Specialist Cook - Food Preparation Officer Office Orderly - Office Administration Facilitator Cleaner - Office Hygiene Control Specialist Source: http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

From the Sunday Times: The rise of the open-plan office and its associated lack of personal space has made co-workers' irritating habits all the more obvious. And when workers get stressed or tired, pet peeves such a loud phone call or the resident David Brent character can build up the stress levels and turn even the most reasonable employee into a human landmine. ... When British workers were asked in a survey by online jobs site Monster UK & Ireland, what irritated them most about their job, their colleagues emerged as the main cause of annoyance. Co-workers with shrill mobile phone ringtones, colleagues who never offer to make the tea or do the coffee run, and those who eat curries or other smelly foods at their desks make the blood boil, the survey showed. A separate poll in America conducted in October for global recruitment firm Randstand, found that gossip topped the list of pet peeves in the workplace at 60%, followed by others; poor time management skills at 54%, and messiness in communal spaces at 45%. The other pet peeves among the 2,318 employees surveyed were potent scents at 42%, loud noises at 41%, overuse of personal digital assistants / phones in meetings at 28%, and forwarding unnecessary e-mails at 22%. ... The problem can be compounded by the likelihood that a colleague is not even aware of their annoying habits, whether it be speaking loudly on a mobile phone while strutting up and down the office, or slurping soup at their desk, according to employment expert Rowan Manahan, MD of Fortify Services and author of Where's My Oasis. "Each time we put a person on camera for the first time in preparation for media interviews or to advance their presentation skills, 95% of them are shocked when they review the tape at how they sound, how they look and, most of all, at their vocal or physical mannerisms," said Manahan. He also agrees that Irish workers find it difficult to muster enough assertiveness to confront irritating colleagues. "Irish people are just not good at firmly saying, 'That is not acceptable,'" he said. ... Workers are often loath to confront annoying colleagues about their habits in case it creates a tense atmosphere or prompts them to seek retribution. Occupational psychologists advise first weighing up how crucial it is to discuss the issue with the coworker and to what extent their behaviour is affecting productivity in the office. ... Just 8% said they would address the office gossip issue with their boss, while 41% said they would do nothing. Talking shop: A US survey found that 60% of employees were annoyed by gossip, but only 8% said they would raise it with the boss. Recognise Anybody? These are just some of the messages that over 130,000 around the world have posted on annoyingworker.com in an effort to let off steam with their colleagues: • Why is it that you feel the need to run your electric razor across your face for five minutes every day? This is an office, not your bathroom. And at least clean the shavings off your desk when somebody comes in to talk to you. • Putting on perfume of smelly lotion should not be a substiute for a shower, especially for a few days in a row. PS: Get some good dandruff shampoo and wash your hair. • Must you start eating as soon as you get here? You chew like an infant.

This from an actual  software guy's resume!: Hobbies:  I love to catch bugs in people's code

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress." 7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6. "The coffee machine is broken...." 5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: "Amen" -------------------------------------------- Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/

These are from actual resumes: "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability." "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap." "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich." "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." "Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various." RESUME BLOOPERS "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions." REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB: "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches." "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." "The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers." JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility." "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award." SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job." "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep." PERSONAL INTERESTS: "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far." SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984." "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse." "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget." "I'm a rabid typist." "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off! Source: http://www.AhaJokes.com/

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ "Don't tell my mother I work in an advertising agency; she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse." Jacques Seguela. "What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public." Vilhjalmur Stefansson. "Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it." Will Rogers. "So long as there's a jingle in your head, television isn't free." Jason Love. "In general, my children refused to eat anything that hadn't danced on TV." Erma Bombeck. "The trouble with us in America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy." Louis Kronenberger. "It is our job to make women unhappy with what they have." B. Earl Puckett. "It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper." R. Serling. "Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket." George Orwell. "I have... had a disturbing dream in which I break through a cave wall near Nag Hammadi and discover urns full of ancient Coptic scrolls. As I unfurl the first scroll, a subscription card to some Gnostic exercise magazine flutters out." Colin McEnroe.

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ "The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill." Peter Ustinov. "More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits." John Nelson. "Gentlemen prefer bonds." Andrew Mellon. "I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside." Ken Dodd. "We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure." Keith Davis. "If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem." JP Getty. "I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon." Henry Youngman. "To make a million, start with $900,000." Morton Shulman. "Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination." Oscar Wilde (...more Oscar Wilde Quotes). "A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist." Franklin Jones.

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ "My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more." Walter Matthau. "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." Samuel Goldwyn. "A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy." Joan Rivers. "She got her looks from her father: He's a plastic surgeon." Groucho Marx (...more Groucho Marx Quotes). "No-one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish." Kin Hubbard. "First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me." Steve Martin. "Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down." Dick Sharples. "I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge." Spike Milligan (...more Spike Milligan Quotes). "A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience." Merv Stockwood. "I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?" Paul Merton.

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ "Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty." George Bernard Shaw (...more George Bernard Shaw Quotes). "A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." Patrick Murray. "The one great principle of English law is to make business for itself." Charles Dickens. "A man may as well open an oyster without a knife, as a lawyer's mouth without a fee." Barton Holyday. "The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing." Will Rogers. "A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong; they should have killed him because he was a lawyer." Whitney Brown. "No brilliance is required in law, just common sense and relatively clean fingernails." John Mortimer. "Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish." Ted Whitehead. "An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer." Evelle Younger. "A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats." Benjamin Franklin.

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ "A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation." Howard Scott. "I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons." Douglas Adams. "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." Charles Lamb. "In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock." Orson Welles. "Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet." Mark Twain (...more Mark Twain Quotes). "The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows, your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege." letter in the Times newspaper. "In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything." Harold Coffin. "The first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you." Charles Dickens. "Few great men would have got past personnel." Paul Goodman. "When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of this mess I am in now he thought for a long time and said, 'Yes, death would help'." Robert Morley.

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way... COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do. ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired. CAREER-MINDED: We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70. SELF-MOTIVATED: Management won't answer questions SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around. COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover. SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ e-mail one Attention: Human Resources Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Regards, Project Leader e-mail two Attention: Human Resources Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability. Regards, Project Leader

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. * * * Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander. * * * Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. * * * Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. * * * Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander. * * * Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. * * * Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table. During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm. Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming. Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it. Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room. Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points. When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.) Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it. Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" "I'm going too!!" he replied. "Why?" She asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/ A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!